Updated: Sep 9, 2022
What I focus on, that is where my heart will be.
I have focused on the wrong things far too long. My “season of renewal” I believed to be about growth and becoming the final “product.” In some ways that is the case. It also seems as though this season of renewal is about circling back around, fixing what I didn’t fix the first time.
To make like new: restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection // as we renew our strength in sleep.
To make new spiritually: regenerate
To restore to existence: revive
b. To make extensive changes: rebuild
To do again: repeat
To begin again: resume
Replace, replenish // renew water in a tank
To grant or obtain an extension on the loan of // renew a library book
I desire to follow God’s will, not because I have to, or because I have religious ideals that have taught me I must be perfect in order for Him to love me and bless me. I desire to follow His will because with all my heart I know He loves me and wants my suffering to end.
I believe with sincerity that He wants the very best life for me and my children. He wants me to become the woman he created me to be, the mother he created me to be, the voice he created me to be, not because He is selfish and only wants to be glorified, but because His love is so pure, so deep, so profound that He alone knows what will lead to the best life I can live.
Because God alone knows why I was created, my strengths and weaknesses, my qualities, my desires, and my heart. He alone can lead me to my perfect purpose. I will never be perfect, but my purpose is his special design and is perfect for me. Once I have the courage to step into the life He has called me to, He will divinely shine light on my new path.
I must have the strength of will to do what He has instructing me to do. So far, even though he has been clear I have not had that strength of will to give up the things that have in the past brought me comfort. I have given into temptation, I have walked on paths I knew He didn’t want me to follow, and every time I chose my way, it has brought me more pain.
My God is patient, and kind, He forgives me, and keeps calling me back when I get lost. He knows change is hard, especially when I keep making excuses and justifying why I’m not doing what He told me to do.
So here I am circling back around to areas of myself that I must examine and change. He is preparing me for a life in the light. It is scary, but I know He is with me. Every moment, every experience, every lesson can and will be used for good.
I am a survivor, I am not a victim and some day very soon I will be victorious, not by my will, but by His grace! I know what he has told me, I know what he has promised me, I know what is to come because He has told me! However He wants it to happen I desire to obey so that this suffering can finally end and the joys He has promised will come into my present.
He wants me to get my house in order. He wants me to focus on being an example to my boys, to teach them the right things.
He wants me to give up the crutches, stand tall and walk on my own two feet. He wants me to save my children, to be the mother who will teach them they are not worthless, they don’t have to hide, they don’t have to pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. He wants me to teach them they don’t have to make excuses for the man who let them down, belittled them, abused them, controlled them, lied to them and manipulated them for his own selfishness and entitlement.
God wants me to be the loving and strong parent my boys need, so they no longer feel insignificant and ignored. He wants me to put them first, to stop making excuses for my poor choices just because I’m lonely and want to be held.
He wants me to teach my boys how to be strong not physically, but emotionally. He wants me to teach them how talking to Him and really listening can change everything. He wants them to know He loves them no matter what they have done, no matter how they feel, no matter how many mistakes they make, no matter how broken they feel, so long as they keep seeking Him, He will always answer them.
He wants me to pray before responding to my abuser. He wants me to live my life right so my abuser can no longer justify his disgusting language and attempts at intimidation. He wants me to be pure so there is nothing the enemy can throw at me that won't bounce right off.
He wants me to find peace, to have joy beyond measure, to let go of the pain from my past. He wants me to feel the kind of love I’ve always longed for. He wants me to be successful, He wants me to feel fulfilled, and proud of my choices. He wants to protect me from more suffering. He wants me to be loved by a good man.
He wants me to heal and love myself first so that I can love my partner the way he deserves to be loved. He knows how much love I have inside of me, He knows I sacrifice my own happiness to avoid hurting others.
He knows my deepest shame, my confusion, my fears, my grief, my frustrations, and my disappointments. He knows every tear (even the ones dropping onto my table now, and the ones yet to come).
He knows I’m not ready for a partner, and He understands why I’ve been focused on “the one” instead of the things He has told me to focus on. He knew exactly what I needed to hear so my focus would change to what He’s been trying to tell me for 6 months.