Why is he so cruel?

10/31/2019

I’ve lost all hope. It’s gone. He will never fight for me, if he doesn’t love me. And how could he love me and her? I’m so devastated, so broken. What did I do to deserve this life? What have I done to make my husband hate me?

He isn’t willing to give up his freedom, his privacy, he says I treat him “like a dog on a leash. I’m letting him go. If he wants freedom and privacy he can have it, without me as his wife.

He says that me saying “I’m done” is what pushed him away and made him run back to her, why wouldn’t me saying I’m filing for divorce cause the same thing then?

He says he lies because he doesn’t want to deal with my “irrational reaction,” me “hounding him all the time,” “texting him all the time,” “calling him all the time” etc. so, I’m letting him go. No more checking, no more asking, no more trying. No more accountability.

I can’t stay married to someone who treats me this way no matter how much I love him. It doesn’t matter if we were ever happy in the past, I’m not happy now. If I was single and met him today, knowing what I know about him, I would run as far away from him as I could!

I hope someday he will get help, that someday he will seek You. I hope that he will stop being a liar and manipulator. But I’m not sticking around with the way he disrespects me and lies to me. I can’t do it anymore. Love isn’t enough, our past isn’t enough.

I don’t even care what he tells other people anymore. He can spin his lies however he wants. I know who I am. I know what I’ve done, how hard I tried, maybe someday he will too. I doubt it though.

I know in my heart he is still talking to her. I heard that whisper, a thought not my own, telling me he was with her in the middle of the night when I came home to get my phone that he had stolen from me 10/10/19.....that whisper that said he was with her. He was gone for an hour and a half in the middle of the night, a claimed to be running. He tried to force my hand down his pants to prove he didn’t smell like sex. He yelled at me and told me I was “paranoid.” Thank you for my sister staying with me so I could leave with her.

He doesn’t know what he wants. He is scared, he is fractured and I need to do what you said and let him go.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed, but he has to want to change. He has free will and I am not going to kill myself over his lies and mistreatment. It’s time to move on with my life no matter how much I love him. What he has done and continues to do is wrong.

I will not tell him what would save our marriage. I will not tell him what I want or need anymore. He didn’t care before why would I believe for one second that he cares now?

I have to be strong! I need to ignore him, live my own life, take care of our boys, move on and be happy without him! I have to stop worrying about him being with her. As soon as the thrill wears off they may stay together, or she will see what kind of man he really is and he will see how horrible and selfish she is and they will hate each other. But that can’t be my concern because I will have moved on with my life.

I believe You will protect me, will bless me, and will stay with me. I believe You will continue to place positive wonderful people in my life, so that I will not be abandoned, will not be alone, will still have support and love and I will be free to live a blessed life!

I am a mother, with two amazing boys. Boys who will need me to be strong through this divorce. I will not be cruel, I will not be disrespectful, I will not hide my pain, but I will not put down their father. He is their dad, they love him very much! He has a terrible temper and yells too much but I don’t think he would physically hurt them. And if he ever did I would take them from him in a heartbeat!

I will not seek revenge. He can move on and live his life. I will continue to seek You’re help so I can understand who he really is, and who he has become. Please help me fight against jealousy and rage in my own heart so I can heal. I pray that he will heal, that he will get help, that he will grasp all he has lost because he refused to love, and refused to turn to You.

It’s time to move on, to let go of the man I thought he would become and divorce the man he is now. He is too selfish, too arrogant and prideful to believe he has done anything wrong. Please give me strength to ignore him.

Please fill me with peace and grace. Help me to be found by the right man and finally experience mutual love and joyfulness. Help me to someday be found by an honest, loving, faithful man who will love me as much as I have loved.

Help me to heal, help me to live and love again. Help me to let go of the pain and let go of the dream of what could have been. Help me to let go of the man I hoped he would be strong, enough, humble enough and vulnerable enough to become.

I’m sorry I have to give up on him God. I feel like I have no choice. If I don’t let go, my life will be filled with misery, fear, worthlessness, doubt, emptiness, heartbreak, pain, accusations, blame, put downs, no trust, no love, no desire, no passion, no respect, no honor, and no honesty. I don’t want and won’t live that way anymore!

Please lead me with your Holy Spirit. Help me to withhold judgment, and cruel words spoken out of anger and frustration. Help me to think of him as just a friend, not my husband, not my lover, not my partner, not the one I want to confide in, but just a friend who I care about but am not in love with.

Please help me break the chains that have tied me to him. I will not stay married without genuine, open, honest and respectful love. He would need to love me enough to put my needs and feelings above his own, that has not ever been something he is willing to do especially now when he has a 25 year old backup plan to replace me! There will be no loss for him because he will have her. I will not compete with a fantasy. Thank you for staying with me always. I love you.

Your daughter,

Poiema