Unaware it’s Abuse

God please help me.

What's the point? Honestly? What does anything I do matter. When my husband's question is, am I on my period? And he tells me how no one else can be sick because I am.

"We can't be sick or say how we feel."

or how I don't take care of myself, or our boys won't ask me to do anything "because” ..... but he won't say why.

He's implying I won't get anything done if they ask me to do something.

He tells me they are embarrassed of me. He says,

"They ask me why you don't take care of yourself"

He says I leave my messes out for months at a time. It doesn't matter that I've been working on the house by myself for the last 2 months.

He tells me,

"You don't lift me up! You don't ever compliment me!"

What matters is that I don't do enough. I am not enough.

Then he says …

"Oh here we go. This is what you do..."

He sees me crying but says that, and doesn't stop belittling me,

"Whoa is me"

….gosh forbid I should need someone to talk to.

I have no one. No one except family and You, but he mocks my faith in You.

I don't use his darkest most painful secrets against him. But he does with me.

And tomorrow he will pretend like everything is fine ... even though my heart is broken into a million pieces. He won't remember the hurtful things he said and justified.... because if someone says something against him he

" Had to say something back”

I’ll try one more time, I’ll go downstairs, give affection, hold him, kiss him and show him that I love him.

That's it!!!

I'm done. I tried my best... and he turns me away, he said "no."

He doesn’t want me, he never wants me. I'm done, this hurts to much to keep trying to be close to him and I’m always rejected.

Not enough, not what he wants, never have been, never will be. I'm done trying.

My heart has been broken too many times. It cannot take any more. Whether he knows it or not it doesn't matter, he doesn't want me. He needs to find the one his heart desires.....

It does not matter that it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I am not his, I am not who he needs. Let him find her with an open heart. I tried. I love him ......enough to let him go. Let him be free to find the one who makes his heart happy because I know she is not me. Please help me, I need you, I love you.

Love your daughter,

Poiema