Updated: Aug 17, 2022
A toxic person places their wants and desires above everyone, their friends, their significant other, their family members and sadly even their own children.
When my eyes were finally open, when I had no choice but to see the lies that had been hidden from me, I wanted to fix it. I wanted to save my family. I wanted to understand so we could heal and maybe, have the kind of loving marriage I’d prayed for. Change in a marriage takes two people though.
It’s painful when you’re hurting, yet you hold your tongue because you love the person who lashes out at you with the cruelest words; Words that are used as weapons.
Toxic people will do anything to avoid feeling guilt or shame for something they have done. Usually, by lying, blaming or changing the subject to make the one pointing it out to feel bad about themself. They study those closest to them and know what hurts them most. They use those painful things against those who love them any time they feel criticized.
Your tongue devises destruction, Like a sharp razor, O worker of deceit. You love evil more that good, Falsehood more than speaking what is right. You love words that devour, O deceitful tongue. ~Psalm 52:2-4
I don’t believe it is a coincidence that what was referred to in the Bible as a wicked person, in todays times is called a “toxic” person.
Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceitfully. With their mouths they all speak cordially to their neighbors, but in their hearts they set traps for them. ~Jeremiah 9:8
Toxic people use words to inflict damage and can even cause their victim to believe they are going insane.
In the last days difficult times will come. Men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God. ~2 Timothy 3:1-4
Toxic people love to brag about themselves. They tell stories (usually highly embellished), to make themselves the center of attention and to receive adoration.
Toxic or high conflict persons believe they are above all….Above other people, above the law, above rules and anything that prevents them from having what they want.
“Looking” wealthy gives them a sense that they are better than those who have less. However, they usually don’t put in the work necessary to have the nice things they desire. They expect others to provide the nice things they desire, and will lie, manipulate or steal to get what they want.
Toxic and high conflict persons do not feel remorse for hurting others, but are greatly and easily wounded when they feel criticized. They will lash out or throw an adult temper tantrum.
They want people to believe they are perfect, because they long to be admired. They have an attitude that they are always right.
They put down anyone who can break open the bright shiny shell they have created to surround their true selves. They hold grudges and will wait years, plotting and planting seeds to destroy someone who has, in their twisted mind, wronged them.
They are often pleasure seekers, and want immediate gratification, while also seeking excitement. They do not think ahead to the consequences of their actions, because they feel justified in getting what they want in the moment.
They fight to hide who they really are. To admit weakness is to be less than the perfect image of themselves they worked so hard to create.
They will never know how it feels to be purely loved because who they pretend to be is a lie and the real them is always hidden.
Only when someone is willing to reveal themselves, with nothing hidden, with open and honest communication, willingness to compromise, willingness to make sacrifices, willingness to admit wrongs and to have remorse combined with authentic actions to change, will they feel loved as they are.
Being authentic is difficult for anyone, but it’s impossible (short of a miracle) for a toxic person who is in constant fear of being judged and rejected for their true self.
They lash out the worst at the ones who are close to them from fear of being discovered. They will lie, blame, accuse, talk in circles, switch change who is causing problems in the relationship so they can keep their secrets hidden.
If you’ve suffered this type of blame, intentional deflection and crazy making behavior from someone you love, I’m so sorry. I want you to know it’s NOT your fault and you are NOT alone.
I know how it feels to be so broken that you believe you aren’t good enough to ever be loved for who you are. Being loved, feeling like we matter while being accepted for who we are, those are core desires within all of us.
I’ve learned so much through my suffering. And I’m so grateful that I’m breaking free. I couldn’t do it without God’s help. God loves every single one of us exactly as we are, with no conditions, no matter what you’ve done, are doing, or how broken you feel. When you believe that, when you thank him for dying for all of humanity’s sins for all time, including yours because he LOVES you that much, you’ll be amazed how special that will make you feel. No matter what you’ve done God will, and does forgive you. He will help you, and empower your spirit.
You won’t be transformed instantly but I promise you the Holy Spirit will help you heal what’s broken, in ways you wouldn’t have imagined. As you seek Him, as you talk to Him honestly eventually those broken pieces of you will start to shift and fit together as they always should have.
God’s love is unconditional, and when we seek Him, He helps us heal. Facing our mistakes, our deepest pain, our weaknesses, even things we have done that hurt others or ourselves is painful; I know and I’m so sorry that you have been hurting. But the release, knowing you are forgiven is beyond my meager words of explanation.
Something I find comforting is realizing that God knows absolutely everything about me, my thoughts, my mistakes, my anger, my shame and fears but He still loves me. That’s what I call being fully accepted for who you are!
God is always there, He’s just waiting for you to ask him to help. So please, keep looking for answers to the hard questions, keep learning, healing and growing. His spirit will help you have peace even when life seems hopeless.
I would rather talk to Him about the darkest parts of me than hide them. I figured out a few years ago, He already knows everything, so not asking him for help limits me from becoming my best self. Since then He has proven His love, and has given help in some unexpected ways. He can and will do the same for you.