Tornado of Trauma

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere.  I feel it rise up inside of me and I try so hard to fight back with good thoughts, with positive thinking, but then the loneliness takes hold and my thoughts start to spiral down, one into the next, each feeding and growing like a tornado that picks up so much debris …

You’re lonely because you don’t go out

You don’t go out because you don’t like how you look

You don’t try because you’re afraid of being rejected

You don’t call your friends because you don’t want to be a burden

You are lonely because you don’t have anyone …

I try to counteract those thoughts …

You will be loved when things are in place 

You are loved by your children who need you

You are working on healing and not expecting someone else to help you heal

You are alone right now because you choose to wait for something real rather than seeking something that you’re not healed enough for

But that doesn’t change that I’m alone now. 

I feel stuck, like a good life is so far away….years away. I feel like I have nothing to work for now and if I do, he will swoop in and take it all away. I feel like I don't really matter, that I'm not making a difference, that it's taking too long to heal. I feel discouraged, and wonder if I'll ever be good enough for God or anyone.  

I don’t ask for help because I don’t want anyone to think that’s all I want from them. Because, I don’t have anything to offer in return. How can I give from an empty cup?  

I don’t reach out because in my experience no one understands how messed up my life was and still is.  I don’t want to make excuses. I don’t want to blame him for everything. I don’t want to fail. But, sometimes all of this … it’s too much to take. 

I pray for comfort, for peace, for the strength to keep going because it’s not just about me. 

But my soul is starving and so horribly lonely.  What if it never improves?  What if I am never fully healed? What if he never lets me go, never divorces me?  What if my story is never used to help save anyone from living this kind of life of debilitating misery?

I seek God every single day, because only with Him do I start to feel that hope, that love and that peace.  But, sometimes, the trauma takes hold, it sucks me in, so my thoughts and emotions spiral down into a tornado of darkness.   

A tornado….I been chased by them in vivid dreams, and I tried so hard to understand them.   I can still envision those dreams; the fear in my chest as an ominous dread. I can picture them like a memory. I can see the dark clouds that blanketed the sky. Sometimes I'd take shelter with others. Sometimes I was alone and exposed, running for my life, knowing it was trying to destroy me and swallow me whole. Those recurring nightmares were so vivid that even after I was startel to wake, I didn't feel safe.

My trauma is that tornado… trying to swallow me again, to spin me around in a continuous loop of self-blame and confusion, to drop me back into that dark lonely pit, that cavernous, empty, lonely abyss.  

It sometimes doesn’t matter how much I attempt to encourage myself, or how I try to remind myself who I am, and what I’ve done so far.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard I try to remind myself what I’m working towards, and tell myself that I do matter, and that I am strong.  Because, sometimes the pain bursts out of me and all I can do is cry, and write, and wait for a little bit of peace after allowing the emotional release. 

All it took was one phone call, one moment to remind me how hard this is, how long I've been fighting to be free, and that I don’t know how it’s ever going to end when I’m too chicken to even open my own mail!

Who does that?  What is wrong with me that I can’t open my mail????  I don’t understand, it’s ridiculous, it’s crazy, it makes absolutely no sense!  

One phone call from a concerned mom trying to help her daughter, not understanding that the law protects the abuser she left.  It’s infuriating!!!  Our laws are so blind to this type of crazy making abuse and it’s only getting worse!   I know I’m not the only one who has noticed it.  My coworkers have too.  Selfish horrible things being done to children to spouses….

My career is changing, so many souls are tormented. There's been an increase in calls I'm used to ....suicides and attempts, mental issues of paranoia and delusions. Then some things are shockingly worse than ever in my 22 years of experience.....the selfishness and neglect, the assaults, the drugs, the sexal abuse - selling their own kids to older men …. How can a parent prostitute their own child??? 

I don't understand how a parent doesn't feel what they are doing to the life that was created through them, a life they are meant to make sacrifices for, love unconditionally, teach wisdom and protect???  I’m angry and sickened that there are people who have become so selfish that they don’t care at all how they are hurting the gentle and the sweet.  I'm angry there are so many people without empathy and understanding.

Why do we live in a society that celebrates the controlling dominant person?  Why do the kindhearted so often get stomped on and crushed?  Who is there to protect them when the darkness in people's hearts seems to be tainting us all? I'm not any better. I fell for the lies, I looked up to his confidence. I thought he was better than me and I didn't deserve him. I was lost in a world of confusion created by intentional manipulation.

I try to help anyone I can. Yet, the law is black and white. I've personally experienced the blindness created by assumptions. It's difficult to accept there are those who are placed in a position of judgement, who are trusted to judge fairly, yet lack understanding. How many people are aware of the effects of psychological abuse? How many people don't see the signs that should?

Lord, can one voice make a difference? Can a mind that spins around that spits out what it’s thinking and feeling onto paper make any kind of difference?  I won't ignore what You are teaching me. Please help me heal. Please uproot the toxic thoughts that were planted in me. Please renew my mind.

Please Lord heal my voice, heal my soul, heal my body. Thank you my God in heaven for loving me as I am, for revealing the truth, for pouring your divine peace over me when I felt my life was over, drowning in a pain so deep that I felt like I would die.

Thank you for that moment Lord, becauseTHAT is when I felt You. You revealed what I hadn't understood and gave me absolute certainty that YOU are real. I understand now that moment is when You broke the trauma bond that was suffocating me. Remembering that moment could have become a debilitating trigger .... I was lost in emotional agony, crying out to You, and You were there. So instead of a traumatic trigger, You created a precious memory, because in that moment You revealed Your power and You set me free.

Aba, I will never forget that feeling while I was crumbled, broken, and lost in overwhelming grief, I felt Your precious peace like warm water flowing softly over and through me. When I felt like I would die, You created the most profound and comforting moment in all my life! Thank you for Your divine love that I don't deserve and fills my eyes with tears of gratefulness.

One step at a time You are with me, healing me. I will not hide from you or anyone else. Thank you for reminding me healing from a lifetime of lies takes time. Thank you, I love you so much Lord. In your name Jesus I pray, thank you.