Updated: Mar 4
Abba thank you for moments like these,
I’ve stopped hiding and protecting someone who never protected me. Today, I shared the smallest bits of my story with a stranger who installed WiFi at my house. He didn’t know me, this sweet kid who had zero intentions to manipulate or trick me ..... he called me brave, and strong and before he left, he said “COVID be damned I’m giving you a hug!” He was a very sweet kid who was being kind. And I truly didn’t even scratch the surface of my life. 28 years of giving love and forgiveness, longing for it in return and never receiving it! 28 years of every form of abuse and that alone is hard to face.
It’s hard to talk about sometimes. It’s exhausting and overwhelming, and I’m still fighting a battle every day!
But, I think there are a lot more people out there who have in the past, or currently are, suffering the same things, and because it’s not talked about, no one knows!
I’m careful who I share with most of the time, (I’m still learning). I am careful how much I share, (my story tends to be too painful for most people to deal with).
And this week .... as of Tuesday after 8 years of service and 20 years in my field, I have to add to my story that I was demoted and nearly fired.
I’m not even upset about it because it will be less stress (or so I thought until I was triggered again by an emergency call today). 3 or 4 years ago being demoted would have devastated me. Now ... I don’t care what anyone thinks because I know what I’ve suffered and survived!!!!
I’ve realized my trauma and continued abuse caused me to become fearful of communicating with my 2 male bosses. I was uncomfortable and felt judged for not living up to their expectations. I still know God has a plan and he will provide for me so long as I don’t give up, so long as I keep moving forward.
I also have to put our 13 year old German Shepard to sleep soon. My sweet dog and my youngest son are only 6 months apart in age. This is going to be so hard on my boys. They don’t want to accept that it’s time to let him go. He’s in pain, he can’t get up and down the steps, his hips just keep getting worse and worse.
My husband accuses me of not feeding Samson enough protein and that’s why his hips are bad. He has told our kids that I’m killing our dog. I have offered for him to provide for Samson, for him to take care of him, but of course he won’t. I’m still trying to figure out how to let my husband, who I have a protection order against, see our dog one last time ..... it is the right thing to do whether he appreciates it or not. And because I am no longer hiding I talked about that today and someone gave me some good suggestions that I’m going to use.
Even though he is a horrible man, even though he still tries to control me and hurt me, stalk me, ruin my credit, intimidate me, put me down as a mother, provider, Christian woman ..... he didn’t and will not win! I have God On my side!
I will protect my boys! My eyes are open and everyday I learn a little more, I continue to work on myself. I admit my mistakes. I know I am flawed. I seek to understand myself and grow. He won’t because he doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong. Thank you for helping me see the truth, and to come out of hiding.
Love your daughter,