The worst violation
This has been so hard for me lately. I believe the worst violation a person can feel is to be touched without consent.
Part of me was taken. Even after those hands aren’t touching me, I can still feel them, like a ghost haunting me.
To learn that every time we were together it wasn’t love, not for him. He used my body to control me and for his physical needs, nothing more.
It makes sense now that he thought he had a right to touch me when I told him no. He didn’t think about my feelings because he doesn’t know how to empathize. He thought he could manipulate me into being submissive. He thought that touch was the answer to my coldness and lack of concern for his wants. He thought using my love language would change my heart even after I filed for divorce and told him to never touch me again!
To use touch to hurt me is the worst violation, the most devastating, revolting and humiliating expression of his incapacity to care about me.
He took what I’ve longed for and made it dirty. He took what is supposed to be precious, intimate, a chance to be connected in love, and he made it feel wrong.
Of all the abuse, the hateful words, the laziness, the stealing, the lying, the control, the cheating .... I’ve been dealing with it. But this, the fact is I don’t know how to let this go. It haunts me so deep that I feel like I’m trapped in darkness.
I feel like even though I want to be touched, held, kissed, made love to, no man will want me once he finds out the truth.
I worry about the what if. If there is a man who decides I’m worth it, what will he do when I have a flash back, when I’m triggered and cry? Will he understand it’s not about him, that I don’t want to associate his touch with the touch of a monster? Will his feelings be hurt because he’ll believe I should be able to disconnect from my past when I’m with him? Or will he treat me like that monster and tell me to just get over it? When what I want more than anything is for him to help me feel safe, to just hold me and say “It’s ok, we’ll get through this together, I’m not going to push, force or hurt you because I see you and I love you and this isn’t your fault.”
Why do I want to be with a man so badly, yet cringe and get scared? Why am I still stuck in this loop of getting better, respecting and loving myself, but then I feel hopeless and completely alone?
Why is the loneliness so suffocating? Why do I keep seeking for someone to fill the void when I’m bound to just be hurt over and over? Why do I still believe that the kind of love I know is inside of me, is inside of the man You have planned for me? And yet, as I write to You, I still have doubt. I still am terrified that I’m always going to be alone.
My life is in turmoil, and I don’t know when that’s ever going to change. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of messing up. I’m tired of needing to be strong when all I want to do is run away. I’m tired of being forgetful, of crying every single day. I’m tired of being overwhelmed and not being able to accomplish things I know that I need to. I’m tired of knowing what must be done and not understanding why I can’t do those things. I’m so tired of the pain, of the fear, of the shame and confusion. Why do I keep messing up my life?
I turn to You, I will not hide from You, because You know every thought, every feeling, and yet You still love me.
I’m trying so hard to understand and to heal so I can become the woman You made me to be. But I keep messing up. I keep feeling like I’ve let You down. I’ve let my children down. I’ve let my family and my friends down. I don’t know how to keep doing this. When is this going to be over? When is the monster going to leave me alone? When I’m I going to be free of him?
I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore, he’s wearing me down. I don’t know how I’m going to keep going. I can’t afford to keep this up much longer .... financially, emotionally, my work is suffering, my energy, my strength, and even my health.
Please God, please make this be over! It’s been over a year since I filed for divorce. Please help me, I’m so broken and lonely and I long to be held, comforted and cared for the way that You intend a man and woman to be, as a partnership filling in for each other’s weaknesses with our strengths. Is it even possible for me? Please set me free from the oppression of the monster! Set me free from hoping for someday so I can focus on today.
Love your daughter, Poiema