The Gift of Choice

God, gave us the amazing gift of choice even though He knows some of us will not choose Him. He tries to lead us so we will learn how to love others with purity but He will not force us. A life with honest love is our choice.

There is a reason for everything, even waiting for life to improve, and to be free from oppression. There are lessons to learn, a continuous cycle until the cycle is broken.

I'm trying to break free from the cycle of my reaction to the lies, the harassment, and I hate that hasn't stopped. Telling me that he's sorry I'm alone and he has been blessed by God to have found love with his affair partner is just one more example of his covert abuse. I believe the temptation to have an affair with her was a test. And he failed.

I have got to find a way for his words not to trigger me. But it's so hard. I have to fight the temptation to respond to his lies ... for example one of the lies in his message .... "I'm not ashamed of being extremely happy after leaving you," he didn't leave me. I filed for divorce. I worked with my lawyer for the provisions. I asked him to leave, to go live with his affair partner or parents and he refused. The court made him move out. So one little lie could cause a storm if I respond.

There are many more lies within this small portion of his message I've shared with you. But, God has helped me fight the urge to defend myself. God knows he wants a reaction. God has taught me to recognize the patterns of his abuse tactics.

Any attempt to defend myself against his lies let him know I'm bothered. If I respond I open a door for him to come in and unsettle my soul. Any response, in his mind is a win is the sick game he loves to play.

I'm not playing anymore. I am not a chess piece to be manipulated into place.

If I countered his lies with truth, he would be thrilled that his lies bothered me. He loves conflict and loves getting a reaction. Correcting his lies would most certainly cause him to send more messages that continue conflict. He knows exactly where to strike. For example, he knows it is offensive to me to say that his affair is a blessing given to him by God.

I keep thinking,

"Gods words are more powerful than his."

The God I know and trust would never be cruel. The God I know would not expect anyone to remain in an abusive relationship, no matter what a church may say. What God says is more powerful than ANY man.

My husband was given a choice and opportunity to change.

He had a choice to have an affair with a woman who taught at our son's school. He had a choice to tell the truth when he was confronted. He had a choice to love his family and be honest. He had a choice to ask for forgiveness and accept the consequences of his actions. He had an opportunity to choose a life of love instead of a life filled with lies and blame. He had an opportunity to choose repentance, and God. He chose himself.

We (humans) are different because we were given the power of words and the gift of choice.

We choose to love.  No one loves when forced. Real love is a choice, a sacrifice, and a gift. It's a beautiful balance between people.

God, gave us the amazing gift of choice. Even knowing some of us would not choose Him. He also gave us our emotions, so of course He knows both sides of us; the good and the bad; the Spirit and the Soul.   He tries to lead us to the good but will not force us, it is our choice.

Life is not fully predetermined.  If it were, Jesus who could not lie and remain pure, would not have said he didn’t know when the hot or the day when the end will come, only the Father knows.  Concluding from that .... It’s up to us, when the end of the world will come.

Our choices determine the future.  

Everything is about choice.  And each choice we make determines our future and the future of life.

God has helped me to understand evil. I continuely sought to understand if someone is born evil, or is someone becomes evil. I want to share what reading the Bible has taught me so far.

First no one is born evil, the choices we make after a certain age make us who we are.

All of us are connected through God's spirit, His "breath of life." As in nature there is a balance of positive, neutral and negative, even down to the quantum levels, like atoms, quarks, and waves.

Some people remain neutral (they have His Spirit but aren't bonded to Him), some become positive (they believe and ask for His Spirit to live inside them), and some become negative - evil.

True darkness infects those who continually choose themselves. I picture each sin committed without regret, remorse or repentance as a little bit of sticky black tar. The more one chooses selfishness, cruelty, and lies the more gooy tar is caked onto the spirit and soul.

God's Spirit will not live within a body that has made darkness king. His Spirit is light and darkness does not comprehend the light.

Rather than death (removing His Spirit, - the breath of life, from a body), He eventually allows the replacement of His spirit with an evil spirit (like He had to with Saul).

I believe He keeps reaching for us, asking us to change, praying that we will ask him to fill us with His Spirit of life and love. The key is, we must ask for His Spirit to live in us, only then will the heart of anyone be transformed.

Yes, He does pray for us. Just as Jesus told Peter ...

"Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith will not fail..."

I will post some beautiful things God taught me with that verse a little later. But for now, remember God prays for us. That is so comforting.

As I try to understand more, I've wondered, perhaps God sent Jesus because His chosen people were getting it wrong?

Many of His choosen people stopped having a relationship with him. They choose to trust in rituals, relics, and religious laws, rather than a relationship with Him.

The Pharisees (high priests), remind me of today's Narcissists - entitled, selfish, cunning, elitist, arrogant and WRONG.

Jesus's words were spoken as the Spirit of God living inside of Him. And after He died that Spirit was released for us, as a gift. He won't force us to bond with Him, we must choose and ask for His Holy Spirit to live in us. We aren't robots to be programmed. We have the power of choice.

We can’t possibly understand God in all His ways. GOD who knows what we might do, intervenes in unique ways.

He intervenes - through others, through a whisper of a thought not your own, through a message, a song ... all to try and reach you. He loves you that much. He also loves you enough not to force you, you have the power of choice.

My relationship with God is my own, and I am so overwhelmed with how precious that is. I'm so far from who I want to be, from who I believe God wants me to be, but He never gives up on me. No matter where I am, no matter how badly I want to give up, He reminds me to stay in it.

He is reaching for and speaking to who we will be when we trust and love Him back.

He knows what we do not.

He saw and heard what I’d did not. Each moment when a new truth was exposed, even though it was devastating and I thought I would die, somehow God got me through. Looking back I see His timing for each painful moment, perfect timing.

I refuse to be told who God should be. I was told so much crap that scared me (especially about my unique gift), that I hid from God for a long time.

I no longer care what anyone tells me about who God is. I seek Him for myself and want to know the truth. If it feels wrong to me, I choose to research, pray, and ask Him. I ask for understanding..... a translation that may be wrong, a word with several meanings, or I ask Him to explain. Clarity comes, sometimes quickly, and sometimes it takes a while.  But God always finds a way to provide an answer.

Some pastors, and people will insist on something that feels wrong, seemingly unwilling to be open to correction.

I seek authentic pastors and people. Those who acknowledge none of us is always right, and who know love only comes when we are courageous enough to admit when we are wrong.

A stubborn, selfish spirit doesn't grow, it remains immature.

I'm not fully healed yet. I still struggle. For example, I wish I had someone I could talk to about theology, energy, science quantum physics, spirit and choices ..... about so many things.  

Even though I'm hopeful in "someday love" with a good man, I don’t spend my thought life only on hoping for someday, there is so much more to life, I keep reminding myself of that.

I care about each of you knowing how beautiful, special and unique you are. Each person in this world is a purposeful puzzle piece that fits into God's masterpiece as a whole. I can only imagine it as a glorious breathtaking work of art.