Trying to be an example

Dear God,

Thank you for the opportunity to have a teachable moment with “C” tonight. I’ve been honest with my boys about the things I need to work on. I tell them what I struggle with and that I’m learning how to do a lot of things I didn’t do before. I haven’t made excuses or blamed their dad for my mistakes.

Because I have been open and honest with them, I was able to explain that I am using this time as a way to learn the things I’ve struggled with.

I’ve told both of my boys that I don’t want them to struggle with finances when they are adults. I’ve told them I want them to learn the importance of budgeting, tithing, and saving money. I don’t want them to copy my mistakes, I want them to learn from my mistakes so when they are adults they don’t repeat them.

Tonight, I only had $31 in my account, but I need to be able to feed my children. So, while grocery shopping at Aldi today, with only $31, I had to plan ahead what I needed. As I added one thing and the next to my cart I had to calculate the total in my head so I wouldn’t add more than I had money for.

I told “C” I haven’t grocery shopped that way since College. I reminded him how I have struggled with how to budget. I told him that having his aunt come over to help me figure out my bills has helped me, and I’m still learning. I told him it is a struggle right now, but I’m learning how to make it work with less, so when I have more money I will be able to save and handle my finances responsibly.

I am choosing to be an example of how to react in hard times, because that is what will break these cycles. Rather than blaming my husband for not having money to provide for my kids, I chose to talk to “C” about the hard times differently. I choose for my son’s to know that I believe this is one of many lessons You are teaching me. I want them to know how You have been leading me to learn so I can change my bad habits.

I want to thank you for the beautiful sunset on my drive home from Aldi. You helped me understand that even when things are a struggle I can still see the beauty You have created.

I’ve been praying to You for a miracle, for financial wisdom. Even though this is hard, I know You are with me and I know things are going to get better soon. That is what I want my children to learn from me.

I told “C” that my WiFi bill came out when I wasn’t expecting it. I had forgotten the date it was set to come out. His first reaction was, “So we don’t have Internet?” I admit I was surprised that was his first response, especially since I had an educational YouTube program on when he had come into the living room. I told him no, I had enough for the bill, and we still have internet.

I explained that I had much less than I expected. I didn’t hide from him that I had cried when I realized how little I had in my account. I admitted that I felt fear and guilt that I won’t have enough to feed them. I explained how humbling that realization is. I told him I have to plan our meals, use what we have and that I can’t buy anything until Friday. I told him I can go without eating, but he and his brother can’t.

Because of You, because I know You are with me and that you will provide I am able to have peace even in pain. I have faith, I believe You will provide even when I have nothing.

I am grateful that You were with me when my car was repossessed and that I was able to explain to my children how it’s a blessing that grandma gave “E” her car last month, otherwise I wouldn’t have a vehicle to drive. I explained how I will drive it until “E” gets his license. I told them that I’m getting a good raise that will be on my check starting in January. So I will be able to save (it might not be very much, but I believe it will be enough) to buy myself a used car.

I’m praying that I’ll know someone who knows someone who is a car dealer who will go with me so I can purchase a car at an auction. I won’t be able to get a loan because my credit is so bad, especially after having a vehicle repossessed, my house being on the verge of foreclosure, medical bills for the boys I can’t afford, and not being able to pay the credit cards Reece took out in my name.

It may seem crazy to others, but I believe You will provide a way for me to be able to buy a car that is not expensive, is dependable and safe. I believe You will provide a vehicle that won’t be embarrassing for my boys to be driven in (like the one I’m driving now, I'm grateful they don’t complain) and it won’t need any work to make it driveable.

I pray that my boys will see how You provide, how I believe in You, how I am choosing to obey You even when it would be easier not to. I believe You are performing miracles. Others may call them coincidences, but in my house, we will know they are Your miracles.

I also believe You will provide a home for us that is clean, healthy, comfortable, and affordable. I don’t know how You are going to make that happen, but I believe You will. The boys and I have been suffering for years in this house. Just like us, this house has been neglected, abused, ignored, and it’s now falling apart. I know You will not allow me or my boys to fall apart.

I choose to listen to what you instruct me to do. I know You have plans beyond my imagination. I know You love us. I know You tell me with Your Spirit what to do so that the blessed and abundant plans You have will happen. I know you have counted my tears. I know you have heard every single prayer. I know You have performed miracles in my life.

I give it all to You, and will do the work You instruct me to do.

I know You are with me, and I trust You, I believe You, I love You, and I thank You for all that You are doing, things that I am not even aware of. People may have opinions, may try to influence me either with good intentions or bad, but I choose Your influence and instructions. People may think I’m crazy, they might not understand, but I believe in You and I believe You have a purpose for my life.

I believe in Your timing, I am tired, I have felt trapped, stuck, lonely, lost, grieved, depressed…..but I believe You have a plan. Please let it be over soon. I filed for divorce 2 years ago as of this coming January. My husband has been sleeping with his girlfriend for 3 years come January. This pain, this heartbreaking suffering has been hurting my children for so long.

The 3 of us don’t really know what normal is. We haven’t experienced the kind of happiness that comes from being in a healthy family with a loving husband and father who also seeks and believes in you.

Thank you for Your lessons and love, I will not give up. I love you Lord,

Poiema