Speak Boldly

05/01/23

I sent this to him today (he’s been threatening me in numerous ways), and yesterday’s message durning church to pray for boldness inspired me. I will not send anything like this to him again, unless God's Spirit prompts me to. He’ll either get it or he won’t.

This message is in response to him saying I won’t do what he wants, (all the things he wants for our divorce) because I’m still angry at him.

To Him:

"Being angry is a healthy reaction to what you do and what you’ve done. You are not worthy of being part of my life because you refuse to repent. Repent, if you don’t know what it means, is to ‘change the way you think’. To acknowledge a wrong, apologize to those you have wronged, feel bad for the wrong and stop doing what is wrong. You have not displayed a spirit of remorse, conviction, sorrow, empathy, kindness, honesty, or desire to change.

You act and react impulsively, rather than seeking to be who God made you to be.

I feel bad for you. You have refused to admit what you know in your heart is wrong, the lies, stealing, manipulation, controlling temperament, stalking, cheating, sexual sins, rage, alcoholism, blaming others for your actions, accusing others of what you yourself are actually doing.

God sees all of it, even the hidden things in your heart and that is what makes me sad for you. But someone who refuses to acknowledge their wrongs, who justifies everything they do, who blames everyone but never looks in the mirror, that type of person will never be humble enough to change.

You chose your path, even after I knew some of the truth and did so much to try and help both of us. You still chose a life of deception and justified your actions.

Being angry for what you’ve done to me and our children is normal and healthy. But I do not hate you, I will not act selfishly or out of revenge. I choose to do what is honest and right for God, not for you. HE has revealed the truth of who you are to me. And it doesn’t matter to me if you understand, HE’s the one who is leading me to finally speak the truth boldly."

From church the verse that touched my heart

Acts 4:29

"Now, Lord consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness."

That verse was part of a message to trust how God does give us what we need to survive, in the midsts of threats. The apostles went back to the same place where they had previously been thrown in prison for speaking and healing in the name of Jesus. After they returned from being held captive, they shared what happened and prayed together.

Notice, they didn't pray for the threat to be removed. They prayed for the ability to be bold, to keep speaking God's will even in a place full of threats.

After they prayed together the place where they were meeting actually shook like an earthquake! That is God's power.

I do not send him long messages. When I message him, I keep things business like and without emotion. Sending that message is out of the ordinary for me, but God has been showing me it's time to fight back, to trust HIM fully, and use what HE has taught me.

Today a message in my email led to this verse ....

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

We had a 5 hour mediation on March 30th. He continues to hold things up, and is keeping me trapped. It's been 3 1/2 years since I filed for divorce. It's always something with him, there is always an excuse for why he doesn't do what he is supposed to. He is refusing to compromise yet claims I won't compromise. He's been following me again, he's been attempting to talk to me. He lies and accuses me of what he is doing.

I know his patterns, and I trust God's Holy Spirit to reveal the truth just as HE has always done through all of this. I will keep trusting in the God who I love, who counts my tears, and loves me even in my brokenness.

I understand that he is attempting to make me panic or shut down emotionally. I may not know why he does these things, but God does reveal what he is doing. My mind does not think like him. I don't want revenge, I just want to be free from the bonds of marriage to an abusive man who hates me. I want the attempts to scare, belittle, shame, demean, devalue, discredit, and make me feel worthless to stop.

Last week I emailed this to my lawyer:

"Thank you for forwarding the email you sent to his lawyer.  I am at work so I'm sending a separate email from my phone with a few attachments. One of them is a copy of an email between our marriage counselor and myself which I explain below.  The other attachment is a copy of the most recent messages from the co-parenting app that he and I use to communicate.  His messages have repeated threats of bidding on property and taking my dog. And unnecessary comments about his relationship with his mistress, etc.

He is dragging things on, choosing one thing then another to not agree on. And now he is lying about us purchasing antiques. We did buy some used furniture, I'll include a list of those items below.

The other reason I'm contacting you .... I have concerns about his recent behavior.  I did not renew the protection order I had against him, because he claimed only being able to message me about the boys caused delays in finalizing our divorce. 

His inappropriate behavior has been escalating.  His personality disorder has patterns similar to a child who tests what they can and can't get away with (among other concerning patterns).  The attached email between myself and our marriage counselor, is to provide proof of his personality disorder.  She worked with both of us for months. 

During a counseling session February 2020, she wrote down "Anti-social" on a post-it note (which I still have).  She talked to me about the signs and symptoms and made suggestions for my safety.  She also told me to research his personality disorder.    The attached is my response to the research and her advice to me.    

He and I had no communication from October 13th until December 18th, 2022, and then nothing again until January 29th, 2023.  Anything in between he passed on through C as needed.  His pattern is to leave me alone until there are deadlines set for our divorce, or if I am dating.  I dismissed the first few occurrences of his change in behavior.  However, this past week his behavior has escalated toward intimidation, or at the very least attempting to dysregulate me so he can get whatever it is he is wanting (what that is, I really don't know).  

Since January (after we received the notice for court), there have been numerous times that he has dropped C off when I am supposed to pick C up - I don't mind I only mention it because it's a change.  He's been parking in my driveway instead of in front of my house, that changed when I opened the blinds for windows facing the driveway in my sunroom, I have since closed them again. He turned his truck around to follow me into Kroger several weeks ago.  He waited in his truck for me to walk in, then walked in behind me.

At C's baseball game Monday, he continually glared up at me on the bleachers.  After that game he walked up the bleachers to C's girlfriend who I was sitting with, said my formal name and asked how I was doing, I looked up but didn't respond.  I waited for him to leave, but he didn't until I was walking out, then he followed behind me from the bleachers through the gate and into the parking lot.  

Tuesday evening, without notice he dropped C off at my house and left him with me for 3 hours with zero communication.  C did need to pick up his things because he stayed with me an extra night (Sunday night) and rode the bus Monday morning from my house. 

At Wednesday's game he was sending me messages on the co-parenting app. I always record C when he is at bat. He has asked me to send him videos so he can see what he needs to work on. Therefore, I didn't open his messages until I got home. After the game, I waited for him to leave before leaving myself.  As I walked toward the gate, I saw his truck door open, him get out and walk towards me.  He'd been waiting in the parking lot for me to leave. He walked through the gate as I was leaving and he attempted to talk to me again.  An hour later he sent another message angry that I ignored him and wrote how "we've got a move away from the whatever you produced." 

And you'll see the messages he sent me late last night.  From an outside perspective his behavior may seem normal, but this is not normal.  

One other thing to mention, I had a date Saturday night (my first in over 2 years).  It is possible that he is aware I went on a date.  I am honest with my boys, I wanted them to know where I would be.  C told me a long time ago that he reads all messages between him and I. 

His behavior is concerning to me.  I'm used to him driving by all the time, lying constantly, being rude and condescending, but I want a divorce, and I want a life without fear of what he might do.  I'm considering staying with a friend this weekend even though it is C's 16th birthday on Monday, and I wanted to decorate and make a cake.  

What recourse do I have?  How long can he hold things up? Do I even have enough yet to file for a protection order again?

Things purchased as resale:

large white dresser - C's

armoire / dresser - E's 

oak painted white corner hutch - he can have it if he wants.

leather couch and chair - agreed for me to keep and he gets the futon.

white dresser my bedroom - he can have if he wants, I'll just have to get new furniture

There is also a large entertainment Armoire I took apart years ago he can have if he wants.

I also noticed after I sent my list to you, that he wants the cast iron sink in my basement - it is hundreds of pounds, he will have to hire someone to move it, as well as the deep freezer, I don't want him in my house because he has a habit of stealing. 

Anything else he is going to take I will put in my driveway the day of, and I'd like him to use a moving truck, so things are taken in one trip.  Police will not standby for him to make multiple trips.  If that is not specified, with a date and time, he will use it as an opportunity to come and go as he pleases."

I have not heard back from my lawyer yet. I have to keep trusting God has a plan for all of this. I'm still in my wilderness season. I'm alone, lonely physically but spiritually, God is with me!