Updated: Dec 15, 2022
Even though I know in my heart the choices he made are not my fault, sometimes I look back on our lives as a family and wonder … Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t he fight for me? Why did he lie and cheat? Why did he pretend, make us pretend, and refuse to see that the only way to be free is to be honest and truthful?
I can’t change the past, I couldn’t change him even though I thought God would heal his broken mind, that he would choose love, that he cared about us (me and our children) more than his desire to deceive. It’s been 3 years since I filed for divorce, I don’t want to think about these things, I want to have a new life for me and my boys.
I am getting stronger, God is healing me in ways I never even imagined. It’s still hard though, separating everything, doing it all on my own because he can’t be trusted not to do something to me or steal something (like my grandmother’s ring).
I refuse to be like him! People tell me, "He had his chance to get his stuff, just burn it." I can’t do that, if I did how could the saving grace of God be shown as an example … to my boys, and yes, even to him. I don’t hate him. I hate the choices he made over and over, the selfishness that rooted so deep he isn’t able to care about anyone else.
I am not an angel like my mom said, I just don’t want to live a life filled with bitterness and hate. He will never say he is sorry, he will never acknowledge or feel the pain he caused because he refuses to. I have been broken, I have suffered, lost, been terrified, confused, empty and so lonely I can hardly breath. But no matter what God is with me, teaching me, leading me and I am different because of His love.
So even though I could choose to be angry, I could destroy things that he said he wanted but refuses to work out how to get, even though he always has an excuse and blames me for everything, I know the truth and so does God. I will not be like him! I will not live in darkness even when I’m sad and alone.
I choose to do what I would want done for me. I am cleaning the Christmas decorations, wrapping them delicately and placing them in plastic bins. When I’m done I will drop them off in the driveway at his parents house, not his girlfriend’s house where he lives but lies about.
I remind myself that he didn’t reject me by having affairs. I rejected him. He wanted to continue lying, cheating, disrespecting and using me; he didn't want a divorce. I rejected being treated like my love, forgiveness, prayers and willingness to work through years of abuse wasn’t enough. I rejected taking care of him when he should have stepped up and taken care of his family. I rejected being screamed at, manipulated, being told how worthless I was just because he didn’t get his way. I rejected spending the remainder of my life with a man who never loved me. I rejected my children being emotionally and physically abused, lied to, screamed at, put down and told they are a “direct reflection of him so don’t embarrass him.” I rejected living with a man who broke every promise he declared in front of God. I rejected accepting someone who refused to feel empathy, sorrow, guilt, or shame for the lifetime of abuse. He didn’t reject me! God set me free!
I will respect that freedom by being who God is calling me to be, not who he accuses me of being! God knows the truth! He knows I would have forgiven and grown with my husband if he had been willing to repent (say he was sorry, feel bad about the hurt he caused, and change the hurtful selfish behavior). So, even though I’m not divorced I am doing what I believe is right, and repenting for my mistakes, and choosing not to make more just because my husband is filled with hate. Maybe God will be able to soften his hardened heart through someone else.
I want to be free Lord Jesus, please set me free from this marriage. Fill me with your Holy Spirit so the triggers and pain don’t stop me from doing it this time. You have power and authority, I am yours God, you saved me from a partnership that was never what you intended love to be. I’m sorry it took me so long to be brave enough to say enough.