Updated: Sep 9
My thoughts are rational, my feelings are not. I can reason with myself. I can tell myself what I need to work on, what I need to change, but the loneliness and worthlessness get jumbled up in the mixture and everything I work towards comes out half baked. I’m incomplete. I don’t have all the ingredients needed to be healed. I keep looking for them.
I keep trying to understand. God sheds light on the questions I’m seeking and then I circle back to this overwhelming pain of being completely alone. I’ve always felt alone. I didn’t have a partner, I had an oppressor.
My mind has been scattered since he was in this house. Since I had to face him and his contempt, his lies, his attempts to manipulate and shame me into submission. Looking at a man who pretended to care, and finally ‘seeing’ that he really and truly never loved me, I feel like a fool.
His coldness, made my skin crawl. He only cares about getting what he wants. He holds no sentimental value in me. He blames me for his current situation in life. He has a twisted mind, with no compassion or real love. He is an empty shell. He is hollow and pretended to be full.
I’m so tired of his selfish games! When are the consequences of his choices ever going to find him? He broke me down to nothing. He broke my spirit. He made me believe I was a horrible person unworthy of love or partnership.
I can’t do this on my own.
God, I can’t do this. I need help. Please Lord Jesus send me help, send a miracle because I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to let you down God. I want to be able to fulfill your purpose and plan for my life. I don’t know how to do this alone God. I’m so exhausted and I’m struggling. Please rescue me. I’m begging you please save me because I want to give up. I’m so tired of crying. God please I need to be held. Please.