The Aftermath

1/19/20

Abba, I really need you. I feel so empty, so alone, so damaged. I doubt everything about myself. My husband has abused and used me, he never really loved me and that is so hard to face.

I feel like a complete fool. How long has he been cheating on me, how many times? He has no remorse, no empathy, no concern or care for anyone but himself. And he has left me a broken, damaged, confused, woman.

I’ve been so lonely so desperate for affection and touch that I jumped into something I wasn’t ready for. It was wonderful and tender and sweet, but I’m so damaged I believe I've traded one obsession for another.

I need to fix me first. My husband destroyed me, he ripped my heart out over and over, piece by piece. He made me think I was the lucky one to be with him. He made me think that I’d never find anyone better than him, and that I didn’t deserve him because ...

"no one else would put up with someone like you."

Why does he say such cruel things? I don't understand why he is so demeaning.

God, will anyone real and honest and good even want me??? Or am I destined to be a victim my whole life?

He doesn’t love me, he never did!!! He is not a good man and I see that now. But he has done so much harm to my self worth that I truly don’t know if there is a man on this earth that would think it’s worth putting up with the scars left behind from how I was treated.

Will anyone even believe how horrendous it has been? Will anyone even respect me if I tell them what I allowed? Will I be judged for how I let him treat me, hurt me, speak to me, reject me .... all because I longed for him to be happy, longed for him to want me.

I always thought there was something wrong with me, that he didn’t get turned on by me because I wasn’t good enough. Dayton helped me to know that isn’t true and I’m so grateful for that. But now I’m taking one extreme to another and I have to stop. I have to trust what you have planned for me. I don’t know what that is, but I don’t want to mess up my life anymore than it already is.

Is there anyone out there who will think I’m worth fighting for? Am I worth fighting for God? Because right now, I don’t feel like I am. I messed up. I messed up so bad. I did something I NEVER would have because I am so broken.

He can go feel comfort and warmth in another’s arms any time he wants. She is only a few streets away. While I am completely alone.

God, please send someone who will love me for who I am. Please send someone who is kind, not abusive, selfish or cruel. Please send a man who’s heart is pure, and puts others before himself.

Lord please send a man who will be affectionate, passionate, tender, and sweet with my broken shattered self. Please send a man who will love my boys, who will show them how a man should treat a woman. Please send someone who is hardworking, who believes in you, your wisdom and teaching.

Please God send someone who will understand my pain, and will be kind enough to help me move past it. God please send a man who wants the same things as me, who enjoys life, and loves with truth. Please God only you know who this man is, only you know when this will happen. God I’m so lonely, so heartbroken, so scared of never knowing how it feels to be loved and wanted.