Gratefulness during pain
Updated: Mar 25
5/4/2020
When I think about what I’m going through as horrible as it is, if I wouldn’t have found out about his affair, I never would have filed for divorce. I never would have learned about emotional abuse. I never would have had the courage to stand up to him.
I would have been trapped in a miserable, abusive marriage for the rest of my life. I would have been unhealthily in body, mind and spirit.
Even more importantly my amazing, gentle spirited, brilliant boys would still be constantly suffering the emotional abuse that he so skillfully inflicts on them.
Or, possibly any of the three of us, me or my boys might be dead…..
Our oldest son admitted he was contemplating suicide. He yelled it at his dad,
“You’re the reason I want to kill myself!”
My heart shattered when I heard him cry out those words!!!
That's my child! No! I can't let that happen!!!
I knew that feeling and the last thing I ever wanted was for my children to feel that way!!!
Our son yelled it at him after I pulled him off…..After I pleaded for him to “Stop”. After he grabbed our son around the throat, shoving him against the refrigerator. He hit him numerous times on the head with a cell phone. He was screaming less than an inch from my beautiful sweet boy’s face.
He had him pinned in physically and emotionally. The rage in his eyes, it terrified me! I had to stop him, I didn’t care if he hurt me instead, I had to stop him!
He made excuses and blamed our son, then he blamed me. I took our son and walked away. But he followed, he paced outside the door like a predator stalking its prey! Eavesdropping and interrupting anything he didn’t like hearing about himself. He refused to walk away while I tried to calm my precious, beautiful boy down.
It ripped me apart to see my baby boy, now nearly an adult crying so hard he could barley breathe. I held him, I forced myself to stay calm so I could listen. It devastated my soul to hear the same feelings I’d felt since I met his dad …..That he makes him feel worthless, and like he is a horrible son, who can’t do anything right!
I could have lost my beautiful boy because of HIM!
That memory still hurts, it still can bring me to tears, and cause shame, but I choose to view it differently. I choose to believe that even painful things happen as they are meant to. He was finally being exposed for the monster within! And my protection instincts along with the deepest empathy gave me the courage to say, “Enough!”