I wish I had the answers

2/23/21

I’m so angry that I’m crying. (I’m trying to fix the plumbing mess in this broken home) I know I can do this. I know I’m smart enough to figure it out. Sometimes anger helps motivate me, and pushes me forward. But how many hats do I have to wear before this is over? Mom, dad, counselor, carpenter, electrition, money maker, plumber, gardener, maid, protector, etc. I am so alone, my partner was never a partner in anything.

Not being heard, feeling isolated and alone in my frustration, feeling like most people think I’m overreacting, or if I’m not then how could I have stayed with someone like him?

I don’t have the answers. I know I’m not perfect. I know I have a temper when I feel pushed beyond what is acceptable treatment. Sometimes I’m too forgiving, but not when I’m lied to, not anymore.

Sometimes I’m so hard on myself that I blame myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong. So why do I try to understand the other persons point of view and ‘why’ they are acting poorly? Why do I feel so different?

I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. I don’t communicate well with men when I feel judged. I’m often ashamed and want to run away rather than deal with the really hard things.

I crave a man’s touch, but I don’t believe I deserve a good man. I crave being cared for, and encouraged. I long to be appreciated for what I contribute and how open my heart is to understanding.

I crave being independent but don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole that I’m in without help. I’ve lost my way so many times. Over and over on the same loop circling around the same problems.

I get so angry with myself because my logical mind knows what I need to do, but I get stuck and revert back to all the fears, the self doubts, the shame, the pain .... around and around it goes and I just don’t know how to make it stop.

I want to be strong for my boys. I don’t want to have these thoughts of wanting to give up, that I don’t see a way out, that I’ll never be free. I want my boys to see their mom as being resilient, that she never gave up even when I’ve wanted to.

I want my boys to hear me laugh more than they see me cry. I want my boys to know they are loved, they matter to me more than anything and they are my reason to keep fighting, keep trying no matter how many mistakes I make.

I want my boys to learn what healthy loving relationships are supposed to be. I want my boys to feel confident, safe, loved, supported, cared about, special, important..... I want my boys to know none of this is their fault, that if I had to live through this Hell all over again and have them, or not live this painful life, I would choose Hell, because I choose them.

I’ve not always been a good mother. I’m forgetful, I don’t have money to provide for them what they need, I haven’t been active in their education or schools, I haven’t been social with their friends until just recently. I’ve yelled at them. I made excuses for their dad’s lies and abusive words towards them. I’ve turned a blind eye when he put his hands on them and on me. I told them things about what their dad did to me that I never should have. They have seen and heard horrible things and I can’t take that away as much as I wish I could I can’t erase the past pain.

I don’t know how God is going to use me? I don’t know how my experiences are going to help when I’m not healed yet, when I’m still a mess? I do know without God I would not be alive right now. I do know He has a plan. I do know He loves me as I am, where I am, even in this moment of doubt with tears streaming down my face.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep writing down the horrible things I’m remembering, the things that my husband made into a joke, or made it seem like I was over reacting.

A couple times a week, sometimes everyday I remember something that was so wrong, something that I convinced myself was normal, or me just overreacting.

How many victims, are living with people like this? People who will say and do anything, with no thought of how it will affect someone else, just to get what they want? How many are out there that don’t know they are being abused, used, lied to? How many are like me that sometimes felt or feel so disgusted with themselves, that they believe everything really is their fault?

How many are in that dark place, believing there is no way out, that everyone would be better off without them? How many victims of suicide have been the direct result of emotional abuse? He told me when he left he wished I had killed myself.

After 28 years with someone, how could someone be so disgustingly cruel? How could he spend 1/2 a lifetime with me, yet wish me, the mother of his children dead? He is a monster. And that is NOT my fault.

I have to believe God will protect us!

I have to remember all the good that has come out of the bad. I have to remember the little moments of joy. I have to stop focusing on the loneliness, the pain of my past, the unknown of the future and just BELIEVE! Because God does not break His promises.