I don’t understand

1/30/2020

Abba,

I’m so unbelievably confused

I know I can’t stay married to my husband.

We can no longer work through what he has done, it’s too late there is too much damage, too many lies, too much cruelty and abuse.

Please give me wisdom and discernment.

Did he know how to manipulate me last night?

Yes, he knew I was lonely and longing to be held....he knows my love language is touch, and I’ve been starving.

Why did I let him hold me?

How did he know I haven’t been sleeping?

Did he read my Facebook post? ......or was he being genuine?

No, it wasn't genuine, he was trying to suck me back in, to bait me back, so he won’t lose “everything” and so I can't accuse him of rape if I'm with him willingly after it happened, so he manipulated me, he's been pretending because he knows what he has done wrong!

I don’t want him to touch me, so why do I want to be held in a man’s arms?

It's so painful to have a love language of touch. I just want to be loved, to feel safe, to be wrapped in the arms of someone who sees me.

I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your warning. I was lonely and hurting and I wanted revenge for all the affairs my husband had. I never cheated on him. I used to be so proud that my husband was the only man I had been intimate with. I chose to be faithful, until I knew my marriage was over.

I have loved a man who has never made me feel pretty, wanted, sexy, or desired.

After his affair(s), after catching him in lie after lie, running away from her house, and finally this last time, the day after Christmas.....to see him pulling our vehicle out of “her” garage when he was supposed to be at the store, I had to end the chaos, it was finally over.

Since that night, I have refused to let my husband touch me, hold me, hug me, or even shake my hand. The thought of his touch, what I longed for so badly all these years, now makes my skin crawl!

I've always been lonely, now I'm lonely and broken.

I’ve never known what it feels like to be swept away by passion, to truly feel wanted.

Maybe I was easy prey......too honest, too open, too heartsick.

I knew it was wrong to be with a man intimately, you tried to warn me, just like all the times before, but this time I allowed my heartbreak be an excuse to ignore you. I am sorry for being foolish. But God, I’m not sorry for how beautiful and special I felt. For just one night to feel desired and wanted, and good enough for passion.

I‘m not sure why I don’t regret my choice. I cherish how wonderful I felt, for the first time in my life to feel what I’ve always longed for but have never experienced.

So, when my husband asked me if I slept with “that dude,” I told him the truth. “Yes, and it was wonderful.”

He didn’t yell, he seemed saddened. He walked away, he told me he was sorry I was

“taken advantage of and used.”

He said he was ...

“sorry that what he did turned me into this.”

He asked who the guy is, I will NEVER tell him. He hid his affair for 6 months and kept lying after he was caught. I was honest and told him I don’t regret it.

I am sad that my loneliness caused me to make such an out of character, and potentially dangerous choice.

I was rejected by “that dude.” He called me “irrational” and said I had a “weird side.” He said he didn’t want to be dumped on for all the things some guy in my past had done .... except he knew it wasn’t my “past” because my husband refuses to move out of the house! He said I need to “talk to someone” and he’s “not a therapist.” So, I’m grateful it was just the one time .... I was so vulnerable, I wanted more, like a complete blubbering, needy girl I begged for more. But, I was rejected .... too damaged .... too needy .... too “irrational” and “weird.”

My husband only cares about what I’m feeling if it corresponds with how he feels, or if how I feel helps him in some way. He does not have empathy, he isn’t capable, never has been, not even in High School. I thought it was strange back then, but I thought I was helping him to be a better person, he always told me I was.

”I need you, you make me a better person.”

Wow....27 years of Narcissistic abuse!!!!

All I can do now is educate myself, recognize that it’s not my fault. I can’t fix him. I have to understand that eventually he will treat the next woman the same way as me.

I know that I have got to get out .... I have got to get away from him. I must remind myself that you do have a plan. I trust and believe that You do have the perfect man for me .... a man I will not have to “fix” because even though he will not be perfect, he will be perfect for me, and I will be perfect for him.

I have to heal first. I have to love myself again, I have to get divorced, sell this house, get my own place, move on and then ....

A year from now? I don’t know .....Long enough for me like myself? Long enough for me to be the kind of woman a man will want to be with.

I don’t know who he is Abba, only you do. You know what must happen in his life, and in mine for he and I to be ready for each other. You alone know what path he and I will take that will bring us together. You alone know his name, you alone know his life, his past and his future. So I give it all to You.

Help me stay strong. Help me avoid temptation because of loneliness and heartache. Help me turn to you instead of seeking out what is missing.

I have never felt loved, connected, cherished, cared for, or protected by my husband. I have never had an emotional connection with him. I always thought there was something wrong with me, because I’ve had that connection before, just not with him.

I thought I was doing something wrong, that he didn’t love me “that way.” But because I loved him so much, I was willing to sacrifice my desires and needs.

I have lived this way for so long, I have to be willing to live this way a little longer. Please help me to be strong and wait for You to send me the man of my dreams, and long enough so I can become the woman of his.

Love Your daughter,

Poiema