The verbal attacks

Updated: Aug 10

Dear God,


All these years of put downs, him pointing out everything he thought I was doing wrong, he has left scars on my soul. I believed every word. I allowed him to make me feel small and worthless.


He is still trying so hard to control me. He is so mean. One verbal beat down after another, and there is always an excuse. He always finds a way to make it my fault.


He tells me all the time how he is “just frustrated because” ...... and that he is saying what ever horrible thing he’s saying in that moment because of how frustrated I made him by what I said.


Tonight he was angry that I didn’t thank him the right way for stopping to buy eggs at the store! He says the eggs are just for me the boys don’t eat them. He says he was just hoping I’d be a little more appreciative of him going out of his way to get them just for me.


I told him thank you for buying eggs, as soon as he put them in the fridge, while I was washing dishes.


He asks me, “are those just for you?” I tell him the boys eat eggs too, but not all the time. He gets mad and says that I’m the only one who has eggs every morning (even though I don’t), and I should “be more appreciative” of him going out of his way to get them.

He says I never thank him for anything he does. That I don’t want to give him anything positive. I explained that I did say thank you for the eggs.


He snaps at me, “It would have been better if you would have said Thank you for buying me eggs.”


Are you kidding me? I didn’t say “me” within that sentence, so he gets angry?!?! Then he says he didn’t offer to go to the store, that he only said he would be “driving by the store.”


I don’t get how someone can be so angry about how a person says thank you.


I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I ask if he’s been drinking or if he had a nice time at his girlfriend’s house ........I asked that because he is always mean when he does either.


He says I have no right to ask where he has been. I tried to explain that I don’t care where he has been, and that I asked because I was trying to figure out why he was so angry about something so simple. I told him that in the past when he has been with Her he tends to be cruel to me for no reason.


He says I’m asking because I assume he is with her and that is why I started fighting with him. I didn’t start anything, and I wasn’t yelling or getting mad.


He doesn’t seem to understand, what I care about is how he talks to me, how mean he is over silly things, and then claims he ‘doesn’t want to fight.’


He brings up how his parents don’t want me to keep their last name. How they are angry with me and we should go talk in front of them so they can see what kind of person I really am.


He says he knows that I hate him. That he doesn’t understand why I’m such a liar, because I said in front of the boys that I would always love him. He says he knows I don’t and that I’m just trying to get the boys on my side.


He keeps going and then says that he gets the bed tonight that it’s only fare because he paid for half of it, just like the couch. I asked if he was going to bed now because I would like to. He said no, he will wake me up to make me go downstairs when he is ready. He goes on about how this is half his house, half his things.


I told him to stop arguing, that I didn’t want to argue. I asked him to just leave me alone and go do his own thing. With that he becomes even angrier.


He asks, ”Why did you ask if I was at Her house when you said you don’t care?”

I tried to explain again, that it’s because of his cruel attitude towards me.


He says he doesn’t care what he has done because it’s all half his anyways. So it’s only fare that he sleep in the bed. He says I made him sleep on the floor this morning because the boys woke him up and he needed more sleep but I wouldn’t let him lay next to me in bed.


He seemed to want me to feel sorry for him. I don’t. He goes on about how he’s been putting up with my immune disease for years right after I told him he has always talked this way towards me.


Things have changed because I’m no longer going to worry about his opinion of me. I’m no longer going to fight with him, I’m not going to yell or name call, or allow him to keep pushing me to feel bad about myself.

He says he’s had to deal with me all these years, so it’s not his fault that he is frustrated with me.


Monday night he said he has to drink to be able to put up with me.

I told him he is an adult and can make his own decisions, I’m not forcing him to drink, It’s his choice to drink. Just like it’s his choice to be cruel.

I couldn’t handle this without you God. I know it’s you giving me grace to not react with anger or to not break down and cry in front of him. Thank you for helping me, for hearing my prayer for Your spirit inside me to take over whenever I am around him.


Love your daughter,

Poiema

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