Narcissistic Expectations

Dear God,

Recently I have discovered that I have trouble receiving gifts. I don’t know how to react when a gift is given to me.

I feel either guilty, or afraid that it will be used as a way to hurt me later.

As a kid my mom would remind me how much something cost, or what she had to sacrifice and give up for me to have whatever she had gotten me. So I had this overwhelming guilt.

Then, with my husband, when he got me something he ALWAYS brought it up later ....

"I got you this, and you didn't get me anything."

Or he would say ....

"I got you this, and you loved it, but you got me this?!? You don't even know me, why would you think I would like this?”

Or…

“Why would you waste your money on something like this?"

No matter what it was, even if I didn't like what he gave me, I never reacted that way towards him.

But if I didn't react the way he expected me to he'd get mad at me.

"Don't you know what I went through to get you that? Why aren't you more excited?"

When I would tell him to please not tell me what the gift is, he would still tell me what he had gotten me, or what the boys had gotten me - he’d also be sure to say that they didn’t pay him back for it yet, or that it was really his idea. I always told him I wanted to be surprised.

Gifts were used to hurt me and to disregard my wishes. The expectations surrounding gifts brought so much anxiety that I began to hate receiving gifts.

God, thank you for helping me understand this. Thank you for pointing it out so I can work on it in the future. I don’t want to hurt someone else the way that I was hurt.

Love your daughter,

Poiema