No Qualms

9/27/2019

He actually accused me of calling her last night?!?!? He claimed his phone was linked with C’s phone .... which was in my purse while I was at the pharmacy getting C's pain meds for his broken arm! Two calls he “claims” he didn’t make. But yet he fought for his phone again and deleted the record.

I had a feeling he stepped out to call her while we were in the emergency room. He was gone for 40 minutes! And the call log to his parents shows a 3 minute call .... to E like 43 seconds ..... then text messages. So why was he gone so long???

Why was he so furious at poor C driving him to the hospital with his arm deformed ... yelling at him .... blaming him...making him feel guilty for getting hurt.... how much worse would it have been if I hadn’t been there to make him stop yelling?!?!?

Why this fake attempt to “make it work”??? And what the heck has he been telling HER this whole time?!?!?

I’m literally sick to my stomach. Who is he??? What happened to him??? What does she have over him??? He never ended it did he? And I’ve been fooling myself thinking he really wanted to make amends that he actually felt bad, that he actually cared about “us”.

There are just so many lies. I don’t want to confront her again ... can’t he just tell the truth so I don’t have to? Or am I going to have to lose everything???

How could he be so cruel? How could he lie so completely without remorse or guilt? He can’t have us both.

I am not a bad person, I don’t understand why he hates me so much? I don’t understand how he could call HER while our son is lying in a hospital bed in the emergency room?????

What is so great about her??? He’s giving up everything for a fantasy..... and once he’s lost EVERYTHING.....she will leave too because the thrill will be gone. The excitement of deception and sneaking around won’t be there because it’s not a secret anymore. Or ... maybe they’ll get married.

How could he be so vulnerable with her? And how can he be so cruel and hateful to me and our children?Is it because she’s in charge of him and I’m trying to be a partner instead of being in control?

If only she knew the “sweet” things he’s said and done lately. I should have known though .... sex stopped .... Once again! What a waste. He threw away the best thing he’s ever had (his whole family), for someone like her!!! Such a waste.

He’ll never understand me. He’ll never understand that I still love him, still want him but I need honesty, respect and true love.

He has been too weak to be the rock that I needed to support me and help me heal through the pain ..... pain that he caused because of his affair. Instead of helping me, loving me and trying to understand me .... he casts blame on me. When I was the ONLY person who still wanted to believe in him, accept him and love him.

His weakness made him vulnerable and he once again allowed himself to be manipulated by a seductress in the disguise of an innocent teacher. A selfish home wrecker that thinks it’s ok for him to be alone and our boys to have a broken family.

He gave up. He quit on me, and on our boys! And he is still choosing the wrong path. He’s still lying and doesn’t understand that the truth really does set you free.

Instead, he will watch while he hurts everyone who cares about him. He will watch as his choices slowly rot our spirits just so he can be with the one person who can’t love him because she doesn’t really know who he is.

It will never be real with her. But maybe that’s what he wants, a pretend love, a pretend life, a pretend happiness. It won’t last, and when it’s gone he will be all alone.

I’m so disappointed I really believed God was going to give us a second chance. I changed, I begged God for forgiveness and for any darkness to be gone from me forever.

I asked for strength, grace, peace and for a way to help him feel loved by me despite my broken heart. I let go of anger and bitterness, rage and cruel words .... and it feels like somehow it ALL left me and went into him.

It was the very next night that he lost it.... because I looked at his phone while he was asleep. He called me a "cunt" over and over. Called me a "fucking bitch," and said "damn you," and every horrible thing he could say to hurt me the worst.

He said he was done that we were over. I didn’t say I was done or wanted a divorce. I didn’t swear or yell at him. But he ridiculed and made fun of me for crying. I cried because his words hurt me so deeply, he made me feel so hated and unloved, and his reaction to my pain, my tears, was to mock me????

Why does this keep happening? Why aren’t my prayers enough?

Why would he think that my change of attitude is anything but love? How could he see deception when I’m trying so hard to make myself better. It’s killing me that he hates me for loving him.

I give it to you God, all of it, I lay it down at the foot of the cross of Jesus’s sacrifice where his blood spilled over to wash away all the world's lies, sins and suffering. I lay it down and give it to you because what I am doing isn’t working. I choose mercy over judgement. I give all of it, my marriage, my job, my relationships, my home, my children, my health, and most of all my broken spirit and hopeful soul to you because you are the only one who can fix the unfixable.