His Affair

1/6/20

She was his co-worker. She is 18 years younger than me and 19 years younger than him.

She was a teacher and he was a substitute at the school where our youngest son attended. He never admitted the affair.

I’d been having a bad feeling. That’s what I've called them since my very early teens, a “feeling” or a “bad feeling.” I’ve had them all my life, usually as a warning of something. This time it was a warning, I believe from the Holy Spirit.

A thought like a whisper, “You’re going to lose him." It started soft, but the more I ignored it, the more insistent and repetitious it became.

“You’re going to lose him, you’re going to lose him,” it didn’t stop, for 3 days, it wasn’t just a fleeting thought that could be ignored.

I wrote note to myself on my phone. Writing in my notes was a new outlet for me, a way to release things I didn't want to talk about. But after I wrote about it, the persistence continued...."You are going to lose him!" It was so constant and invasive I couldn’t take it anymore. Even though things had become strained between us over the last 5 months, I still always confided in my husband, he was my best friend (actually he was the only friend I could really talk to). So, on May 22nd, 2019 I asked him if he was having an affair.

He actually laughed at me. He pulled me in his arms, held me tight and told me he loved me. He said he would never have an affair, and besides when would he find the time?

I told him about my “bad feeling” and the whisper that became a loud booming warning, “You’re going to lose him.”

I told him I thought something horrible was coming. I told him I felt like our lives were about to change forever, and not for the better. I told him how even talking to him right then I felt it so strongly.

I told him how it was a crushing feeling of dread, a sense that something devistating and heartbreaking was coming.

I told him how I had a sense of darkness and tragedy and it wouldn’t stop.

He hugged me, swore to me he wasn’t having an affair, and I, like a fool believed him. I cried in his arms. I told him how much I loved him, how he was the only man I ever loved, the only man I wanted to grow old with, and how I missed “us”.

I told him I didn’t understand why he’d been so angry lately, and I was worried about how much he’d been drinking over the last few months. I told him I was worried about him and our boys, and how much I loved them, and how much I needed him.

Later that night he heard our son’s cell phone in his room. Since he is not allowed to have his phone in his room after a certain time, my husband took it and saw messages with a senior girl (our son was a freshman), about skipping class, vaping and buying vape juice with THC.

We confronted our son together, grounded him and took his phone. My husband said that must be what “you’re going to lose him” meant.

He even asked if the “bad feeling” was gone. It wasn’t.

That weekend my brother’s son was graduating from High School. We drove as a family the 4 hours to my brother's house, to attend my nephew's graduation and the party.

My husband, my parents, my boys, we all chipped in to help prep for the party. But, my husband kept “disappearing”. He told me he was calling his parents, and that he had gone to our Jeep to talk on the phone, pay a bill etc.

Later that night, I checked my son’s phone to see if he’d been sneaking off to use it. I saw 8 phone calls back and forth with an female's first name (plus the name of the school where our youngest went)”. I was worried our oldest son was talking to a 6th grader which would be very inappropriate. So I called the number and was shocked to hear a woman’s voice.

My mind began to race. I hung up. And she texted who is this?

As I sat there, my heart pounding in my chest, I felt sick as I remembered my husband's phone and ours son’s somehow shared information. I thought about my husband disappearing to making “calls” in our Jeep with the doors closed. I thought about my “bad feeling” and the whisper, “you’re going to lose him.”

I sent a message back, “This is (his) wife, who are you?” No reply......then I thought how stupid I was to send that.....because she would send him a warning.

I ran to grab his phone from him. He was playing with my 9 month old niece when I took his phone from his pocket so I could “take a photo” (that’s what I told him). But he could tell something was wrong.

I’m not a good liar. He ran to put down the baby and chased after me.

I tried to unlock his phone but I wasn't fast enough. Before he ripped it away from me I saw a message from her that said

“Babe????”

I nearly threw up.

He was in a panic, while I was hysterically crying, because I knew! He calls me “babe”.

He kept saying he didn’t understand, that he didn’t do anything.

All I could say between sobs was

“How could you? You’re my whole world, I love you, how could you do this?”

He kept saying he didn’t understand but he refused to give me his phone. When I went to get my brother (his best friend) to talk some sense into him, he raced around the corner of the house and deleted ALL their messages.

The next 4 days were some of the most traumatic days of my life. He told lie after lie after lie. He never admitted to having an affair.

He said they were just friends and he had no idea why she called him “babe.”

My family tried talking to him. My dad tried helping us. He (my dad) even sent us the book The 5 Love Languages to read together.

The lies my husband told were so convincing. But that nagging feeling wouldn’t stop. My husband wouldn’t do any of the things that would prove she was just a coworker. So I texted her and asked her to be honest, I told her how much I love my husband and that I will work through anything as long as I have the truth, I told her that he said they are just friends, I told her how marriage is a precious vow made in the presence of God. I asked her to tell me .... are they friends, are they just talking, is it physical, is it love, or is it all the above?

She sent back “all the above, I can call you later.”

I lost it. He was actually at work with her when she sent that. I was home sick. I had a flare from Rheumatoid Arthritis from all the stress. My husband’s dad came over because he was worried about me (my husband sent him).

I’ve always been close to his family because we were High school Sweethearts (we met when I was 15 and have been together since the day we met).

My husband came home over his lunch break. He convinced me to send him the text I sent her. He said she was a liar, that he didn’t know why she would have sent that to me. He said she was a friend but maybe she thought it was more than that. Then he says he texted her to ask “Why?”

He went to show me the message he sent her but when he looked at his phone he said “Oh shit” and took off into another room ... with his back turned, but right in front of me, he deleted whatever her reply must have been.

I lost it, I yelled at him to let me see his phone! But he of course refused and he claimed he got a message from another teacher who was telling him something about his classroom. But of course then he wouldn’t let me have his phone to prove anything.

Despite that, he was convincing. He asked his dad to go outside so he could talk to me.

Then he says “Ok, look I’m going to tell you the truth, it was just talking, and I know it was wrong....

over the last 5 weeks it turned into some flirting. But it was just flirting, nothing physical ever happened, I never touched her, I never kissed her, I never told her I loved her.

I love you with all my heart, it’s always been you, it’s only you, always, forever and a day, it’s you I’m so sorry.

I love you, and I’m being honest because you deserve the truth. You know things haven’t been great, and there was some flirting, but nothing else, I wouldn’t do that to you.

I’m sorry I hurt you, we can talk when I get home from work. I’m not going to see her, she’s in a different part of the building, I never see her.”

Then he left and told his dad he could come back inside (he had asked him to go outside so he could talk to me In private).

I went back to work the following day and while I was sitting there trying to concentrate on the girls I was training, and I started to remember all the inconsistency in his time lines. I started to remember how he kept convincing me to visit my parents an hour away. He convinced me and our boys to stay the night while he went home in the evenings to stay with our dogs, and wouldn’t come back up until late in the afternoons.

I thought about how he convinced me to take our youngest by myself to his far away baseball games (travel team), without him. I tried to think back on how long that’s been going on.

He even missed our youngest son’s birthday celebration at my parents that I had gone all out for. (Chicken wings with 8 different homemade sauces, and he left before dinner when it was his idea!).

At work, remembering all this, I had to go to the bathroom, I almost threw up! I knew he would never tell the truth. I knew she had, even though later he was able to somehow convince her to text me (while I was in a chapel alone praying and crying out to God),

how she messed up and “nothing physical happened” that she was blocking him, that she was sorry and that she didn’t need this drama, he wasn’t worth it.

I thought my prayers were answered. But I was wrong, he manipulated her somehow into lying for him.

So, I figured the only way to get the truth was to talk to her in person. I didn’t know where she lived, but I knew where she worked. I couldn’t text her because she’d already lied for him, I knew it had to be face to face because otherwise she would either ignore me or lie.

So, I drove to the school, crying and praying out to God to reveal the truth, to make me strong, courageous, brave, filled with His wisdom, for the Holy Spirit to take over so that I would be able to ask everything I need to know and not completely lose it.

I prayed out loud the entire drive there.

I walked in the office with a smile on my face, and asked politely if I could speak with her for a moment about a “project” she and my husband had been working on. The way those women looked at me, they already knew, they knew what my husband and she had been doing! One of the teachers left to look for her.

I stood there and made small talk, but inside I was a complete mess.

She wasn’t there, apparently “she is not the kind of teacher that stays after work, she leaves when the kids do” (his words about her later).

I thought I’d lost my chance. I needed the truth. I went out to my car, I sat there for a moment while I thought about going home, but I couldn't handle another day of his lies.

I texted her. She actually responded and asked me to come talk to her in person. I agreed. She sent me her address. She actually lives only a few streets away from us!!!! (I later found out she moved into that house 3 months after their affair started, she lived across town with her mom before).

I drove to her house, knocked one her door, and she invited me in. I sat on her couch across from her and asked her what I needed to ask.

She started off talking about herself how she deserved better, how she deserved to be with someone who wanted only her, how she doesn’t know why she allowed this to happen and how it was “eating her up inside” how she wanted to tell me a long time ago, how she told my husband all the time that it was wrong and how I deserved to know the truth.

She never once said she was sorry.

She sat across from me in her cute little house, with her perfect hair, her tight little sun dress, her tan firm legs, perfectly painted toes in her strapped sandals, and when she moved she exposed her pretty little white cotton underwear.

She was so arrogant, so smug, so fake!

But I didn’t give in to the devastating grief that was slamming into me.

I sat there knowing, life as I knew it was over and that the love of my life, did not love or respect me. She answered every single question!

They had been sleeping together since January 2019. He had a secret snap chat account that he used to message her all the time (she sent me some screen shots of things he sent her that she had saved).

She said he told her he loves her, is fighting for her, risking everything to be with her, that she is sexy, witty, has a great smile ....

and I saw all of it in the messages she sent me copies of.

She loved it! She thought she had won, that he would pick her!

I asked if they used birth control, she said no because she had a stroke in college, and he wouldn’t wear a condom because he “couldn’t feel anything”.

She said they saw each other nearly every day. She told me how he would sneak over in the middle of the night, or when he was going to the store. They had sex every time they were together.

She admitted that he told her he would never leave me because he would “lose everything”. The house is in my name, the cars are in my name etc.

She said when she takes a screenshot of snap chats that it would notify him. Sure enough, he called. She was excited, she even asked me,

"Should I put it on speaker so you can hear?"

I was surprised by her question, she was treating this like some stupid Jr High crush! I just shrugged my shoulders, I didn't know how to answer when my world was falling apart.

She put him on speaker, he knew something was wrong, but he didn’t know I was sitting there with her! He didn’t say much. I sent him a message basically told him I was with her.

A few minutes later he showed up at her house.

When he pulled up she had this smug excited smile on her face! He walked in her house like he owned the place. I don’t even remember what I said I was so angry and I’d been holding it together for over an hour sitting listening to her answer my questions. Turns out she recorded us.

Later, my husband said she sent it to a friend because, "It was funny, like being on the Jerry Springer show!!!!"

Can you believe that?!?! Destroying a 27 year relationship is funny! Destroying our sweet boys lives is funny!!! Sick!!!

I found a Christian counselor, we both had STD tests (I made his appointment and made him go). I was angry and mean, I called him names, I cried, I screamed, but I thought we would be able to make it.

The first 3 weeks after DDay May 30th,2019 he was more open, he seemed to be honest when I asked him questions, but then things changed and he started blaming, yelling, drinking and accusing me of things.

I knew in my heart he was talking to her again .... I was right. During his daily “runs'' he was sneaking over to her house. Thing is I asked him if he was doing that, he denied it of course.

He said I was irrational, a stalker, crazy, losing it, couldn’t cope, had PTSD, was imagining things, a bad mom, lazy, etc. But I knew.

I’ve discovered through all this he has anti-social personality disorder and has used physiological and verbal abuse to manipulate me for years!

Even after I found out they were still seeing each other I still wanted to save our marriage. We kept going to counseling. Things from my childhood came up, but any time we started to talk about things from his life he freaked out and became horrible to me.

I knew his fear was taking over, and I wanted to help him heal.

I prayed so hard for God to turn his heart of stone into a heart of flesh.

I didn’t give up. That’s not to say I didn’t make a lot of mistakes. I did!

I’ve had depression off and on since I was 9 years old, and he knows exactly what to say to push me into the pit of darkness (a place I never wanted to revisit).

It was a miracle how God revealed that he was still seeing her (won’t get into that now but there is no other way to explain it). Thankfully he was out of town when I found out. When he got back it took him two days to admit it, but even then he swore nothing physical happened.

He said it was "just talking" because he was "so isolated and alone." And she made him feel better because he could talk to her without judgement but that’s all it was.

I didn’t believe that, but still I wanted to save my marriage.

He said it was only talking, that it was always in her backyard, never in her house. He claimed he never touched her, they just talked.

When I asked what they talked about he was vague, he avoided certain things. I knew he was saying nasty things to her about me to make himself feel better.

In the beginning he had a location app on his phone (we both did), and he was so angry about it. He later admitted that when he told her about it, she laughed at him and made fun of him for it!

I asked him to call her on speaker and tell her it was over, tell her that he loves his wife and family and was not going to risk losing them for her.

He of course refused. He said if he did that she would come after me. He said she would try to get me fired, that she would file a protection order against me. He told me she had gone to the police about me, that she not only recorded us, but recorded me the whole time I was at her house (where she invited me).

I told him that didn’t make sense, if HE is the one telling her it’s over, why would she come after me?

He said, "Because she would know you are making me do it." Can you believe that?!? So what did he tell her to make her think he would never end it unless he was forced to??? I begged him to please contact her with me there, tell her it’s over. He refused every idea I came up with!!!

He swore to me he would not contact her ever again, that he would not see her, and if he did see her while out and about or running he would tell me. I even tried to help prepare him in anyipatuon of seeing her. I tried to talk to him about what he should say and how he should react.

I didn’t tell him what to do, I asked him for suggestions and ideas and asked him to come up with a solution, to work through what he would do together with me.

He claimed the reason he started talking to her again was because when he was out on a run she was driving by turned around and stopped to talk to him.

He said he told her he can’t talk to her and she responded with, “Can you at least tell me how you are doing?”

And that was it....he started talking to her again because he “missed talking to her.” He admitted he still had “feelings for her.” But he insisted he wasn’t “in love with her." He said he never told her he loved her, but he does care about her.

After that he became more affectionate, we had sex more often, he listened to me more and tried harder not to yell and lash out.

But it was all a lie, a way to con me because he was still sleeping with her.

On December 1st I was baptized. I begged him to come, he was the only person I asked. Being Baptized for me is between me and God, it wasn't for show, I just wanted my husband to be there, to maybe feel God in that place with me.

I begged and pleaded for him to come. He didn’t.

When I got home he was dressed up, looking like he was going to come, but he said he was too late to make it in time. He actually seemed to have remorse. He knew how important it was to me. I'd been wanting to be baptized for years but plans always fell through.

I cried in his arms that night. I told him I just want my husband back. Over and over I cried, I just want my husband back.

He actually cried too and said he was sorry for not being there for me.

That day I decided to make a list. It would be a list between just me and God. A list of things, positive changes that must be made by January 1st so that I would know if I should file for divorce, or keep trying to save my marriage. They were all easily accomplishable.

Writing that list gave me the freedom to let him go, stop worrying, stop trying to catch him.

Yes,he was still lying, still cruel, still angry, still blaming me for things, locked his phone, changed passwords etc).

But I gave it all to God. I told my husband what I’d done (not what was on the list, just that I made one).

I also told him that I was choosing love as an action. That I loved him, but if things didn’t change I couldn't stay married to him. I made a lot of changes through all of this, recognizing my part, apologizing for my mistakes etc, I’ve lost 70 pounds, I take care of myself and my boys, I research, go to church, pray for him, our boys and myself every day, I’m honest with him about everything. I’m far from perfect but he needed to make some changes or I was going to file for divorce.

On Thursday 12/26/19 I caught him again! He actually parked our car in her garage to hide in case I drove by.

There’s nothing left for me now. It doesn’t matter what the extent of their relationship is because he doesn’t care enough about me to stay away from her. He knew he was wrong to be there.

He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he still does it.

Now he says I’m the problem and they are just friends and he doesn’t want to fight. What a joke!

I have a realtor coming to our house on Tuesday. He can have half of whatever we sell it for. I have an appointment with my lawyer on the 16th to file for divorce.

And that list I made, not a single thing could be crossed off. But through all this, I don’t blame God. HE is the only reason I have made it through this.

My husband chose wrong.

He chooses to avoid his shame, his guilt, his feelings of pain by going numb, drinking, going to her, or lashing out and blaming everyone else. I tried. I love him, I’ll always pray for him. But short of a miracle it truly is over.