One year ago today

12/26/20

One year ago today is when I caught Him for the final time.... when that whisper in my thoughts told me all day something horrible was coming, not to talk to him about it, and when he didn’t answer my calls or text messages I knew he was with her.

I was going to just go to bed but that whisper told me to go check, and when I didn’t see my Jeep at her house I thought I was overreacting, that I was what he said, “paranoid and irrational.” But that whisper that is my comfort, told me to drive around the block.... One year ago today, he backed out of "her" driveway right in front of me, not knowing I was there.

He didn’t know I was driving behind him, as he finally texted me back ... he didn’t know I knew he was with "her".

One year ago today, I pulled in the driveway behind him, such shock on his face to realize I was behind him! Oh and then the bullshit lies that came pouring out of his mouth!!!

"Just wait. You don't understand. Let me explain. We're just friends. I don't have anyone to talk to. You don't get it. She’s not even the one who invited me over. There where a lot of people at her house. I’m aloud to have friends. Someone else told me to park in her garage because of you. They know you’re crazy. She’s just a friend. Nothing happened. I didn’t do anything wrong....”

I had given everything to try and save a life that never should have been in the first place. I was married to a liar, a manipulator, an abuser, an alcoholic, a cruel and sick man who doesn’t care about anyone but himself! I had been searching for an answer ... and I got it loud and clear one year ago today! - Divorce him!

He knocked me down. But I got up!

*This is my right leg the night after I caught him. I was too scared to go home so I stayed in a hotel. I did not adjust this photo at all*

I was covered in bruises inside and out because of a man who never loved me! He pushed me, I fell, but I got up, and I fought back! I hit him, I yelled, I screamed, and then.... I retreated. I went to my bedroom, and on my knees I begged God to help me. I gave all of it to him. And peace washed over me. Peace, and that whisper told me to get up and “let him explain.”

I went downstairs, calmly sat down, looked at him and said, “Ok, let’s hear it, explain.”

He was shocked. He expected rage and a fight. My calmness threw him and he was speechless. When he finally tried.... Nothing he said could explain why he would be with the woman he’d been having an affair with. If he wanted to save our marriage, if he respected me, if he loved me and our family he would have cut her out of his life.

I know he saw it, the peace, the calm, the choice to just be done. I was finally done. It was over, I did not love the liar sitting before me anymore!

One year ago today was the time of release. Things are still painful. I still cry. Not for who he is, but for who I thought he was. I cry for a life I never had. I cry for the innocent girl he used and abused for his self entitled reasons. I cry for my children who don’t know what “normal” is. I cry for the loneliness I feel deep in my soul. I cry for the kind of love I’ve always wanted, but have never had.

I cry to God, I talk to him, I share with him all my struggles, all my pain, all my failures, all my weaknesses because there is no reason to hide from the One who knows everything about me and yet still loves me. He has a purpose and a plan. He will protect, restore, and renew my life so that I can fulfill His purpose and so that I can be the mother my beautiful boys need me to be.

It is not over my fight continues. My God is with me. He never leaves me or forsakes me, no matter how many times I fall, I will always ask him to help me up!

This is a copy of what I wrote to myself:

Sick feeling something is wrong

I have this horrible feeling right now. Some other bombshell is going to be dropped on me when it comes to his affair with her. God please fill me with strength, grace, peace, and forgiveness. Fill me with your Holy Spirit so I can overcome and handle whatever it is with grace and self restraint.

12/26/19 15:00