Exhausted

Dear God,

I have so much to get done. Driving home from C's baseball practice I was feeling pretty good, ready to tackle what needed to be done. And then .... as soon as I’m around him it’s like all the life and energy just gets sucked out of me.

I have to be on guard ... always waiting, listening for his next verbal attack, or for the shift in his mood. He pretends to be nice to me, but he is rude to the boys. He hasn’t and will not change. Being decent to me is just to get what he wants, it’s not because he cares about me.

He is argumentative for no reason other than being right, for the sake of winning at any cost.

Tonight he started by telling me that the boys have apparently been drinking Mt Dew at 7:00 in the morning and I need to keep an eye on that. C interrupted and said he doesn’t drink Mt Dew in the mornings, that he had a 1/2 of the one that was left in the Jeep this morning but it was flat. I told him that I’ve never seen either of the boys drinking Mt Dew in the morning.

C tells his dad he doesn’t drink pop like that. I agreed with C, but then he redirects his point by telling C how much caffeine he drinks, how he buys C 2, 2 liters of Volt when he’s with his friends and he “chugs it all down.”

C tries to argue that he doesn’t. I tried to get back to the root of the problem so I interrupt and say

“Isn’t this supposed to be about the boys not drinking pop in the morning? Why are you changing to a different thing and arguing about that when the discussion is no pop in the mornings? That’s it, it shouldn’t turn into more than that.”

He then gets on C about what he’s eating, and the kind of diet he’s on. C says it’s because he wants to be like his cousin because of baseball and He says, “What, you want to be skin and bones? Your cousin doesn’t eat well, he’s not healthy.” C says, “No I’m talking about how good he is at baseball, he’s an inspiration for me to be better and work harder so I can become that good. I don’t want to eat like him, I want to be as good if not better player than him. So I’m starting to work hard now at 12 years old instead of waiting another 2 years and getting serious like my cousin did when he was 14. I’d rather start now.”

He ignores C's comments and goes on about how his cousin doesn’t eat well and is too thin ....

This is what he does. He twists things around, doesn’t listen, and puts us down for no reason other than to make us feel less than and not good enough. I don’t know why he acts this way?

I’m so sick of the argumentative attitude. It never ends. He can’t just have a normal conversation without creating some sort of conflict. I truly don’t understand, because that’s nothing like me, I just can’t comprehend the reasoning.

And this...tonight .... wasn’t bad ... it was his normal behavior, it was how he acts and reacts all the time ... sadly, this is the nice version of him. When he’s mad, it’s 100 times worse.

I just can’t handle being around him anymore, it’s uncomfortable. There’s always a conflict, always a reason for why he is argumentative. But, I see him now and he can’t trick me (intentional or not) anymore!!!

It’s exhausting to be around him. It’s uncomfortable to be around him! I asked him why he was here tonight. He said he would leave, and acted like he was sad.

I said he didn’t have to go, that I just didn’t want the argumentative attitude and I told him that it’s uncomfortable to be around him.

He said it’s not nice being around me either. I didn’t respond. Instead I said, he had told me he wouldn’t be here on the weekends, but if he wanted to stay, I’d like him to please go in the other room.

He said he only agreed to being gone on the weekends as well as Tuesday’s and Thursday’s to try and work things out, but since I want him to move out he’s not going to stick to the agreement.

I’m sure it is hard being rejected. He’s never been rejected by me. But I have been rejected by him since before we got married and it just got worse once E was born. Please help me. I love you.

Love your daughter,

Poiema

3/12/20