Updated: May 8
Abba thank you for helping me through tonight.
All these years of put downs, him pointing out everything he thought I was doing wrong, he has left scars on my soul. I believed every word. I allowed him to make me feel small and worthless.
He is still trying so hard to control me. He is so mean. One verbal beat down after another, and there is always an excuse. He always finds a way to make it my fault.
He tells me all the time how he is
Just frustrated because...
Then he says he's only reacting to me. He justifies the horrible thing he says in the moment because of how frustrated I made him by what I said.
Tonight he was angry that I didn’t thank him the right way for stopping to buy eggs at the store! He says the eggs are just for me the boys don’t eat them. He says he was just hoping I’d be a little more appreciative of him going out of his way to get them just for me.
I told him thank you for buying eggs
as soon as he put them in the fridge, while I was washing dishes.
He asks me,
Are those just for you?
I tell him the boys eat eggs too, but not all the time. He gets mad and says,
You're the only one who has eggs every morning.
(even though I don’t) and,
You should be more appreciative of me going out of my way to get them for you
You never thank me for anything I do. You don’t want to give me anything positive.
I explained that I did say thank you for the eggs.
He snaps at me,
It would have been better if you would have said "Thank you for buying me eggs.”
Are you kidding me? I didn’t say “me” within that sentence, so he gets angry?!?!
Then he says,
I didn’t offer to go to the store. I only said I would be driving by the store.
That wasn't true! I don’t get how someone can be so angry about how a person says thank you?
I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I ask if he’s been drinking or if he had a nice time at his girlfriend’s house. I know I probably shouldn't have said that, but he is always mean when he does either of the two.
He says I have no right to ask where he has been. I tried to explain that I don’t care where he has been. I told him,
I asked because I was trying to figure out why you are so angry about something so simple. In the past when you're with her you come home and are cruel for no real reason.
He says I’m asking because I assume he is with her and that is why I started fighting with him.
I didn’t start anything, and I wasn’t yelling or getting mad. I talked calmly because there is nothing to fight for anymore. There is no marriage to save.
He doesn’t seem to understand, what I care about is how he talks to me, how mean he is over silly things. But then claims he ‘doesn’t want to fight.’
He brings up,
My parents don’t want you keeping their last name. They are angry with you.
We should go talk in front of them, let them see what kind of person you really are.
He says he knows that I hate him and,
I don't understand why you're such a liar.
He saw my shock and says,
You said in front of the boys that you would always love me. I know you don’t. You're just trying to get the boys on your side.
He keeps going and then says that he gets the bed tonight, how it’s only fare because he paid for half of it, just like the couch.
I asked if he was going to bed now because I would like to.
No, I'll wake you up to make you go downstairs when I'm ready.
He goes on about how this is half his house, half his things.
I told him to stop arguing, that I didn’t want to argue. I asked him to just leave me alone and go do his own thing. With that he becomes even angrier.
Why'd you ask if I was at Her house when you said you don’t care?
I tried to explain again, that it’s because of his cruel attitude towards me.
I don't care what I've done, it’s all half mine anyways. So it’s only fare that I get to sleep in the bed.
He says I made him sleep on the floor this morning because the boys woke him up and he needed more sleep but I wouldn’t let him lay next to me in bed.
He seemed to want me to feel sorry for him. I don’t. He goes on about how he’s been putting up with my immune disease for years right after I told him he has always talked this way towards me.
Things have changed because I’m no longer going to worry about his opinion of me. I’m no longer going to fight with him, I’m not going to yell or name call, or allow him to keep pushing me to feel bad about myself.
It's like Monday night when he said,
I have to drink to be able to put up with you.
I told him,
You're an adult. You can make your own decisions, I’m not forcing you to drink. It's your choice to drink. Just like it’s your choice to be cruel.
I couldn’t handle this without you God. I know it’s You giving me grace to not react with anger, not break down in front of him and cry. Thank You for helping me, for hearing my prayers for Your Spirit inside me.
Love your daughter,