Judged

11/7/2021

I just want a normal life for them. I want my youngest son who is still trapped in the middle to feel like he matters and he’s loved.

I don’t want my boys to have to worry if I’m ok. I constantly feel like I’ve failed them. I don’t know how to help them. I don’t know what to even say anymore, especially after the guardian report. I can’t tell anyone about it, especially not them.

It’s not a good report. I was shocked, hurt and angry all at once. It made me want to just give up. She said I’m self absorbed?!? If I was self absorbed I would have left my children and started a new life without them. I could not and will not leave them to suffer the emotional trauma he loves to inflict! I keep praying for and keep believing in a miracle, but I’m starting to wonder if I deserve one.

Maybe I’m just too broken. Maybe everything is a mess because I haven’t healed fast enough. Maybe everything is my fault because I’ve been scared, depressed, frustrated, avoidant, exhausted, confused, forgetful, anxious, overwhelmed and stuck.

He is fine because he does not feel the pain of others. Yet, all I can think about is how much my boys are hurting, how confused they are and scared that I won’t be able to provide for them - a home, food, clothing, braces, dentists, doctors etc. There’s not enough money to take care of their needs let alone their wants. I don’t know how I’m going to fix any of this.

I feel like people don’t want to know about the kind of abuse the boys and I have lived through. I feel like I’m expected to just ignore it, move on, pretend to be ok ….. or be weak, run and lose my mind….or kill myself, like he told me he wished I’d done.

All I want is to protect my boys, to be free of him so we can heal and have a better life. No one in the legal system seems to care about what he’s done. They don’t care that he has pushed all 3 of us to feel so worthless, that we think the world would be better off without us in it because we will never be good enough, we will never measure up.

They don’t care that he drinks too much, that he abused us physically, he threatens us, he doesn’t help pay for anything, he lies, manipulates, and controls, that he is still stalking me, that he stole from me and he has a history of stealing from the boys. They don’t care that he is mentally ill, cruel, selfish, full of hate and blame and that he will never change. They don’t care that having him in our lives is toxic and destroys our self worth and potential to contribute to the world in a healthy way.

They don’t care that all I want, more than anything, is to protect my children, to break the cycle of abuse, to get them help for the years of emotional turmoil they have had to suffer through.

They act like because he is their dad he has a right to their lives. They act like what he’s done isn’t that big of a deal. They don’t see the warning signs of someone who could snap at any moment. They don’t care.

They are NOT protecting my children! They don’t know him, they don’t know me and they don’t know my boys! We are not liars, he is the liar. I should be allowed to confront that and not be judged for confronting the truth!

The system is flawed, the system has preconceived ideas of ‘victims’ and has no real understanding of the mental Hell a victim goes through just to keep going everyday. They have no comprehension of the fear, the brainwashing, the forgetfulness, the lack of motivation, lack of fight, lack of strength, the shame, the self doubt……they expect a victim to be able to snap out of it once the abuser is gone and to be able to instantly become a better parent. They have no idea how isolated and judged that victim has already been. They have no idea how it feels to feel like a failure every single day, and how much worse it is when they are still being told how ridiculous, worthless, and pitiful they are.

It makes me angry that someone like him gets away with hurting my children and when I finally have the courage to stand up and say enough I am asked “If it was so bad why did you stay?” Why am I being judged and he is given a pass? Why am I pushed down once I finally try to stand up? Why am I thought of as the liar and him the victim?

If the courts are designed to protect and serve, why does it feel like they are protecting the abuser and judging the victim for putting up with the abuse? It’s like they don’t believe the victim. It seems like they think to themselves, “I wouldn’t stay if it was that bad, no one in their right mind would stay if it was that bad, so the victim must be lying to get something they want.”

Why isn’t there more education about the signs and effects of physiological abuse? Why is the victim blamed?

I just want peace. I want the three of us to be able to start over without the oppression, fear and turmoil. I don’t want to think about him and what he has done. I want to move on, to be healed so I can be the mom my amazing boys need me to be.