Updated: Feb 21
“Gideon was a wimp and God called him a warrior.” Spoken by the pastor during church today.
God uses His people, the ones that He knows will choose Him. The enemy attempts to make us believe we are the opposite of who God says we are. God knows who we are because He created us with a plan beyond our understanding. The more we seek him, and ask him questions with pure intentions, the more He reveals.
The name that He gave me 6 years ago, I didn’t understand until today.
God has been laying it on my heart to remember when those thoughts of suicide first came into my life. I don’t remember why or how they started but I do remember I was 9 years old.
Then He reminded me how old I was when I was born again. I thought I was 4. But He showed me a memory…in my family's dining room, my dad drawing a picture with a chair in the middle of a circle, then a cross in a circle outside it, then “me” in a circle outside of that. My dad talked about why Jesus died on the cross, and where Jesus sits now. He explained how we as humans are, outside of the circles, and God wants us with him, but the only way to be with him at that throne is to believe in Jesus and to ask His Holy Spirit to come live inside so that we can be divinely connected through that Spirit.
The Holy Spirit does not want to live in a body filled with darkness (sins), so before His Spirit will live in us we must ask to be forgiven. We must choose to repent (feel sorry for sinning, say that we are sorry, and change - ask for HIS help so we can stop doing what we know isn't ok).
I still don’t understand why blood was offered as atonement for sins (I’ve been seeking an answer to that on both a scientific level - studying blood in a biological sense, and a supernatural level - the when and why blood sacrifice). I do understand though that Jewish priests laid hands on the head of a perfect, unflawed, clean animal’s head (usually a lamb) and placed the sins of a household on that lamb. When the animal was killed it's blood was the death required as payment for sin. So, in order for the Jewish nation to know how much God loves them, He sent His son to die for their sins, and the sins of anyone who believes in him. The commandments and laws were being broken, corrupted and added to with oral Jewish law. So, Jesus - a Jewish man, and the first to teach them God’s true words, being perfect and without sin, gave up His life willingly.
He suffered accusations that were not true, and did not correct them. He suffered being rejected by people who said they loved Him. He knew why he was suffering and didn’t choose pride - didn’t say… “I’m suffering for you, you selfish people.” He chose to love them while they hated Him. He suffered emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual pain, all for love. And as His life left him, in that last breath, so did the Spirit of God so it could be released in the earth for all of us to accept as His sacrifice as His gift of the most pure love.
I cry when I read about His death because I let myself imagine what he must have been feeling, and thinking. I think about Him looking at His mother, wanting to comfort her, knowing how soul deep her pain was. I imagine Him looking at everyone around him, knowing some were acting out because of fear, others because of orders, some because of hate, and all He wanted was for them to know how much He loves them and forgives them. He knew that if he didn’t suffer for all of humanity's sins His Spirit would not be released for us through repentance.
The enemy had a plan, but God’s plan is greater!
The enemy didn’t want me to become who God created me to be. So the enemy has been chasing me from the moment I gave my heart to God through the death of Jesus.
The enemy planted thoughts in me and in those around me which caused me to fear who I was created to be. The enemy surrounded me in a fog of darkness. The enemy planted seeds of depression through rejection, through isolation, through words of hate and worthlessness screamed at me.
As I’m typing this, in the background TC church, the man is standing up saying “it is finished.” I had to stop typing and look up, he said it again, and again…God told me that earlier this year, that at the end of this year that is what I would be able to say… “It is finished!” I didn’t know at the time what that meant. I thought He meant I’d finally be divorced. But I know now, He means that the devil’s hold over me is finished!
The prayer I prayed with Kris Vollatton last month, I have truly been set free, it really is gone!!!
Prayer: Jesus, I ask you to forgive me for sinning against you, for sinning against heaven, and for making any agreement with your enemy, in Jesus name. And right now I break every agreement with Satan, with any of his demons, and Lord I ask forgiveness, even for my parents and my grandparents, my generational line, and right now in Jesus name, Lord I ask that you would cleanse my generational line back to the one hundredth generation. That my legacy would be a holy legacy, a holy legacy dedicated to a holyGod and right now in Jesus name, I agree with you, that I will renounce and do whatever it is that you tell me to do, to complete the fruits of this repentance, in Jesus name.
Today God revealed to me that like Gideon, I am the opposite of what the enemy called me!
Hephzibah - My delight is in her.
~My delight, joy, happiness is in you child. You are not who the enemy says you are, you are who I always created you to be, a joyful happy child who loves everyone no matter how they look…old, young, poor, wealthy, dirty, clear, thin, fat, beautiful, ugly … you love their souls because that’s how I made you! Yes, I made you, not the darkness, not the wicked men, not the lies, not the fear, not the rejection, not the pain, not the sorrow or sadness. Your life matters, I’m setting you free. Shine your light, My delight on the world. I love you too.~
Experts said it is not possible to be completely healed from a lifetime of psychological abuse. Anything is possible with God. Who am I to deny what God can do?
I have believed He would set me free
I have felt His love healing my wounds
I have seen His light in my darkest place
I have felt His hand pulling me out of the pit
I have stood on His rock in the rushing waves
My head just above water, gulping for air
He didn’t let me drown in the abyss of darkness
He broke my chains slowly with rust
He taught me with His love while I was starving for such
He taught me grace when I hated myself
He burned up the old, gave me wings in the fire
He washed over me with soothing water
When I was still, broken, dying, completely shattered
His Spirit, warmth and comfort encapsulating me
He wrapped me in a blanketing cocoon
He fed me while I was alone
He waited patiently, watching me grow
He blessed me with lessons
He whispered to my soul
~I’m transforming you child into a new creation.~
He renewed me, reminding me who I used to be
Before the deception, before the abuse
Who He says I am is spoken in truth
He who loves me without condition
He does not lie, His words are true
He filled me with His Spirit
He destroyed my chrysalis of shame
He told me to be still and listen
Fighting my battle in Heaven
The enemy can’t have me
I belong to my God
When He called me I answered,
even though I didn’t know how
How would I ever escape
I’d lived in a prison for so long
I had no idea how to survive
So He protected me, reached for me,
Constantly teaching me as I sought Him
The delight He placed in me before I was born
Has been in a process of being transformed
He blessed me
He gave me a glimpse
So I would know He has a purpose and a plan
He is making me a weapon
He is building His army
My wings are covered in His Armor
My spirit soars from His strength
Under the layers He creates
is a woman with gentleness and peace
Kindness is not weakness
The true weakness is hate
Armor of hate will crack and shatter in the fire
Armor of love will melt and become the purest gold
Light from within shines brighter and brighter
It’s brilliance piercing through hearts that are hard
Hearts that are confused,
and those lost in the darkness of abuse
A butterflies wings as they become tattered and torn
Falls to the ground it’s life burning out
A Phoenix is reborn in the fire
A light so bright that is sparks new life
Fire and Ice within
Strength and Spirit, both are God!