I don’t think I can do this

Dear God,

I don’t think I can do it. When I try it turns into a fight. When I tried to explain he became defensive, he automatically assumed I was done. I can’t live in constant fear that he will run back to her. I just can’t do it.

Please help me to let him go, release him from my heart. The pain is too much. He went back without a thought of what it would do to me. Or what it would do to our boys. How could he do that??? I just don’t understand. Is he choosing her over his family? Does he even care about us?

I can’t do this anymore. I have no way of knowing if he will go back, I don’t know if it’s over, so why would I put myself out there? Why would I try to save my marriage if it isn’t over with her??? With the constant lies, without respecting me enough to be honest .... I just can’t do it.

Please take my love for him. Please remove him from my heart so I can stop hurting, worrying, stop being terrified that he’s just going to leave again when it gets too hard.

Please help me be strong, please help me be a better version of myself. Please take my pain, my brokenness, please take it all God because I don’t think I can do any of this anymore. I’m too broken. I can’t save him from her influence, only you can. I can’t save myself, only you can.

So I give it up. I give it all to you. There is no moving forward when he won’t let her go. This is the most devastated I’ve ever been.

It’s really over isn’t it God? My marriage is over. For whatever excuses he has .... I really thought saving our marriage would mean more to him, I was wrong.

Forgive me for wanting more than he could give. Forgive me for not being stronger, for letting her win. Forgive me for letting myself go when I got sick, for giving up on myself, on him, on our boys, on my future, my life. Forgive me for wanting more, and not just being happy with what you had given me. Please I beg for your forgiveness.

“Let him go, let him go, let him go, let him go” I hear that thought repeating over and over .... why can’t I? Why can’t I just let go? Why do I love him so much? How can I love someone who lies to me over and over and over?

Why can’t I move on and take a new path? He was the love of my life. I thought I could be the wife who helped him recover, but I’m not able to let go of his betrayal. I can’t let go of the thoughts that haunt me .......

I’m constantly trying to understand why he went back and didn’t care or think about what would happen. I’m haunted by the thought of him running to her every single day. I’m haunted with ideas about why he “really” won’t tell her he wants no contact with her ever again.

I just can’t do it. Please God let me let him go. This pain is too much to take anymore. The grief of the future I thought we would have....I feel like I’m dying inside.

Please God take this pain.

I know I will never stop loving him, wanting him by my side, I’ll never want to stop confiding in him, talking to him, I’ll never stop worrying about him, I never stop wanting him to be happy, I’ll never stop longing for his touch, I’ll never stop hoping that he wants me the way I’ve always wanted him.

I know in my heart no matter what I do I’ll never really be able to let him go. He is the one who I’ve always wanted and always hoped would want me.

Forgive me for ever hoping for someone else to desire me, for wanting someone who wants to touch me, who wants to have sex with me. Forgive me for dreaming of someone who would be affectionate with touch because I wasn’t getting those things from him.

He’s not given me the things that would have made me feel loved. I didn’t know God, what had happened to him. I wish I had then maybe his affair never would have happened. Only you know what path we will take.

Only you know if we will survive this warfare, only you know if he is being honest. If he isn’t being truthful, if he lies, betrays, deceives or continues to commit adultery in any way, in the name of Jesus Christ and by his blood I cry out to you to find a way to let me know.

I love you,

Poiema

Monday 8/5/19 6:18pm.