Unwanted Reaction

6/4/22 and 9/26/22

I need to be able to fully let go, not let it affect me in ANY way!

You know what sucks?  I have these moments when (after he has messed with me, and keeps messing with me), I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone who could encourage and reassure me that I'm doing the right thing by not responding in a negative way.

I tell myself I’m ok, that I don’t need to correct his lies and attacks. I attempt to respond wisely.  But it’s so hard to not defend myself against his tactics.

Why do I allow one of his messages to infect my thoughts? Why does he use our son when he can't get a reaction from me? It's so frustrating to realize he can still get into my head even though I’ve worked so hard to understand the truth. I don’t want anything he does or says to bother me.  I don’t want to feel controlled by him ever again!  I want peace, and freedom.

I can’t count how many times over these past 3 years the Holy Spirit has revealed the hidden truth behind his words and actions.  His attacks are intentional.  His motivation is not healthy.   His hate and blame runs deep inside his soul, like a black hole consuming anything good and twisting it into something negative.

What he does and says is selfishly motivated.  He wants a reaction. He wants me to seem like the cause of all his problems.  He wants to sit back and watch me fall apart so he can claim nothing was ever his fault.

When he comes at me, his aim is targeted … he studied me from the moment we met, extracting every detail to discover the core of me …. my vulnerabilities, my deepest passions, and what I valued most.   28 years of being stalked and studied without a clue that was what he was doing.

How could I have known that his feigned empathy was a manipulative tactic to make me feel safe enough to reveal all of me?   How could I have known that he would use everything he’d learned to control me?  How could I have known that a 16 year old guy could be deceptively cunning, completely selfish, and yet seem good? I didn’t fully see who he was. That realization has filled me with shame. It caused me to feel foolish for being forgiving and blind.

I've learned over time that I am not foolish because I was fooled. Who he is, what he says and does is a reflection of him and not an equivalent to what kind of person I am.  Yet, somehow, sometimes, he still finds a way to sneak in and cause disruption in my life.

From what I’ve learned, I now understand that he enjoys getting a reaction from me.  He enjoys causing a disruption, he gets a high off feeling in control.  He feels powerful and smart when he causes a person to doubt reality. He wants me to feel bad, get mad, or defend myself against his lies.  He enjoys knowing that he can still slither his way into my mind and torment me.

So knowing all of that now, I get mad at myself, for having a reaction.  He may not know that I’m bothered.  He may not know that I’m purposely ignoring him so that his attacks can't continue.  He may not know how hard it is to restrain myself from correcting his accusations, his attempts to blame me for everything, and his statements that he “knows” what I’m thinking or feeling.

The hard reality for me to face is that I do have a reaction, I am reacting within myself.

He knows he is lying.  I know he is lying.  Knowing that, should give me peace.  But, it doesn’t.  Because I still fight myself from WANTING to correct him even knowing it will not change anything. 

I no longer care what he says about me, what he thinks about me, what lies he spreads about me, but when he uses our boys to try and hurt me, my concern for them, my anger at his lack of concern for them lights a fire inside me that is so hard to put out.  My rationale doesn’t outweigh my feelings for what he is doing to our children.

It’s shocks me how he doesn’t even consider the emotional pain, stress and turmoil he is causing either one of them.  Selfishness rules his life.  It makes him blind to the truth, and cold hearted towards people who care about him.

There’s no one in my life right now who understands.  So rather than reaching out to talk it through, I try to work through it by writing and asking God what to do.

I still do not understand the reasons why the man I married is so full of darkness, hate and selfishness.

I’ve found verses with warnings to avoid people like him. God has led me to answers to many questions.  Yet, I wonder ….

Will he ever change?  Experts say, “no.”  However, I believe in a God of miracles.  I also know that His plan is beyond my understanding, so thoughts toss and turn in my mind, back and forth on the reason why he is the way he is.

Selfishly I want peace and to be set free from the bonds of a marriage to a man who treated me like a possession.  Unselfishly, I pray that he will be transformed so my boys can witness God’s power and can have a dad who loves them. Perhaps there is too much damage, too many tricks and lies for them to ever believe he has changed….I would struggle with believing that from him as well because I have experienced his incapacity to tell the truth about even the simplest of things.

I sometimes wonder ….. Will breaking free and stepping into God’s calling on my life finally release him from the evil that has attached itself to him …. Evil that grew worse and worse the more he sinned?   Is it possible that the constant attacks, road blocks, devaluation, manipulation and lies were from the enemy using him to prevent me from breaking cycles and fulfilling God’s calling?

Is it possible that once I’m doing what God has planned he will be set free too?  Or, has he always belonged to the devil just like the Pharisees?  Will he live out the rest of his life in darkness, hiding from the truth, and deny God’s grace, power and love?

I do not hate him.  I hate what he does to cast blame on others, never considering anyone’s feelings but his own.  I hate the lies. I hate the emotional pain our children have had to survive, and I hate that he doesn’t seem capable of sacrificing anything he wants for the sake of his sons.   I hate how blind he is to the truth.

I hate that I don’t understand how anyone, let alone the man I married, the father of my children can be so full of selfishness that they don’t feel anything (guilt, sorrow, pain, sadness, shame - empathy), for something they did which caused pain in someone else.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with my internal reactions to his negativity and hate. I want to use what I’ve learned to help others recognize, acknowledge and ultimately heal from any type of traumatic loop within their minds.

I want to help people heal and know that they are valuable, accepted for who they are, as they are.  I want to provide comfort by explaining how God has been with me, helping me, leading me, providing for me and most of all loving me even in my most broken states, so they will know He will do the same for them.

I want to be a voice for the victims.  I want my story to reveal the truth to victims lost in a fog of confusion. I want our story (mine and my boys), to reveal the truth to abusers who may not realize how damaging their words are. 

I pray that my past and present will release the truth to health care professionals and religious leaders who are unintentionally shaming the victim into believing the lies and therefore should remain with their oppressor, to the legal system that doesn’t recognize emotional and psychological abuse destroys lives, to people who lack understanding and judge the victims, to friends and family who are frustrated and want to be able to help but don’t know how, to kids who aren’t victims yet so they will never become one, and for the broken who believe the lies that have been planted by someone they believe loves them, yet has made them feel so insignificant, worthless, and unwanted that they believe the people they love would be better off if they were dead.

I choose to believe God made me who I am, put me in situations, exposed me to events and experiences and even provided a career that would prepare me to be strong willed enough, faith-filled enough, sacrificing enough and most of all trusting enough in Him to do this.   I don’t know how He is going to fulfill what He has told me, but I trust His plan will not only saves others, but myself and my boys.   

He knows my heart, He knows all of me, every single scar, every damaged and broken piece, every tear, every prayer, my weaknesses and my strengths.  He promised He would not leave me, that I will not drown in the darkness, that I will not be swallowed up by the abyss, that I will not be burned, that no weapons formed against me will overtake and destroy me.  I know that He loves me, He has a purpose beyond my understanding and joy will come when I trust His timing, and continue to take one thing at a time.  I must remain still enough to hear His gentle whisper.

He will rescue me, He will not leave me to wither and die alone.  He knows my heart, my compassion, my creativity, my thirst to learn, my desire to help others, my ability to see and understand, my willingness to be vulnerable without shame, to be honest about my mistakes.  He knows my deepest pain, my grief and loneliness, my worry for my boys, my fears of failing Him and my boys, and the echoes of my past that will always be part of who I am.   I don’t know why He chose me, but I believe with all my heart that He has, and He will not let me go, He will make it happen.

No matter how or when He gives me the opportunity to help someone else, no matter how big or small, I will not hide what He prompts me to reveal.  One life can make a difference.