The thing I wanted to understand was why didn’t he feel bad? Something really does change about a person when they become a believer. For example, I know someone who is a classic narcissist, but …. they feel convicted when they say something they shouldn’t (something hurtful or selfish), and this person always recognizes it and then apologizes. That Spirit in them because they became a Christian, it changed them into a better version of who they would have been; not perfect, but a better more loving and kind person.
But him, I didn’t understand. How could he be a ‘born again’ Christian and have zero guilt, zero empathy, zero remorse?
When we were in high school my dad talked him through the steps to become a Christian. He said no one ever told him before. He told me he got saved, he even carried the little booklet my dad gave him around in his wallet. But I never felt that spiritual connection. I let myself believe he was saved, because I couldn’t imagine why anyone would lie about something like that. I’ve spent years searching and studying to find the truth, to try and understand 'how could he be a Christian and be evil?'
Someone can go through the steps, say they believe in Jesus, thank him for dying for their sins, ask him to forgive their sins, invite the Holy Spirit in, never do anything else, and still be changed. It seems weird, but it’s the truth. It changes you.
But him, he seemed to believe but he never really changed and the more he chose to intentionally lie, manipulate, steal, abuse …. He just got better at deceiving. He made me doubt myself and question my gifts. Like how did I not know he was lying about absolutely everything?
People like him are becoming more common. I want to understand so I can help other people ‘see’ it too. To protect innocence, to protect people before they become damaged like me, give them a fighting chance to recognize deceivers like him, so they never become a victim. People like him are very skilled at pretending to be someone they aren’t.
I want to do it in a way that will help anyone, not just Christian’s. Some people have been deceived and hurt by so called Christians. So if I only speak to Christians how can I help everyone else?
There are deceivers who claim to be Christians. They are extremely skilled in their boasting, and at turning people away from truth. With an Air of superiority they quote scripture at people rather than acting out what the scripture means. People like that taint the idea of Christianity, they become a barrier and can cause a person to say they hate Christians. Saying “I’m a Christian,” doesn’t mean someone actually is.
I may be accused of being too outspoken or ill formed, I may be accused of not being a ‘real Christian,’ or too accepting of anyone no matter who they are and that’s ok. Because of what I went through I’ll be ok no matter what someone says.
The one person I trusted to know me more than anyone, who I loved, protected and defended, he intentionally used the good things about me to make me hate myself.
It occurred to me that everything he said to me and about me is his attempt to control me. I survived that realization. Because I learned that truth, I am stronger!
I have learned that someone’s opinion of me is really not my concern (unless I have done something wrong). Either they don’t really know me, or they just don’t like me, and either one is ok. I don’t like everyone either.
I lost the one person I believed would never reject me because he knew ALL of me. I was used, abused, lied to, cheated on, stolen from, sexually assaulted by, and devalued by the one human-being I had revealed the deepest parts of myself to….and I survived! I survived that!!! I am STILL surviving THAT! And because of that, any words spoken by a person who doesn’t know me as deeply and honestly as the man I believed in, whatever negative thing they might say, will never compare to the anguish I’ve already survived and overcome! So even my anguish had a purpose.
And because I choose to be a woman who loves and believes in God, I have HIS love inside me instead of bitterness and hate. So even those who I don’t ‘like,’ I still choose to care about.
My conclusion...he believed being a Christian would make him more acceptable to my parents. He believed being a Christian would benefit him with them and with me. He most likely didn't believe he needed to be saved from anything.
Words spoken as a lie in the heart may fool some, but they NEVER fool God!