Updated: Nov 11
I know how Elisha felt, when he begged God to take his life, that he'd had enough, that he wasn't good enough. I understand in a way I wish I didn't. That even though I know God, love God and believe In God, I want to give up!
I will not take my own life, I will not do that to my beautiful sons. I will not do that to my family or friends. I will not leave that legacy of giving up in a way that would destroy them or cause them to feel guilt or shame. But .... I'm so exhausted, I'm so tired of this fight. I'm so tired of trying to do what is right when my abuser keeps attacking me and refusing to follow through with divorce. I'm tired of feeling trapped, of feeling like I'm being held hostage by his control.
His words, his threats, though I know in my heart they are empty and hollow, still affect me. The shock of knowing how much he hates me, how much he STILL wants to hurt me and destroy me, it's too much. I don't understand.
I feel like I wasted my life with a lie. Though my children are the most amazing blessing I could ever have, why didn't I leave right after my youngest son was born?
They have suffered too and it's wrong! It's partly my fault because I stayed even though deep down I knew there was something very wrong.
Oh please, God forgive me, I didn't protect my boys! I'm so sorry. My beautiful precious, tender hearted, creative, loving and amazing boys they've been damaged by their own father who lied and blamed. He put them down, abused them, shamed them and even made them afraid to tell me he was having an affair. How do I fix that?
I can't show them what a healthy relationship is, because I'm choosing to be alone right now. I'm not divorced, so it would be wrong to date wouldn't it? I tried for a little while and though I'm grateful for the lessons, nothing lasted. I'm still damaged, still broken. It's hard for me to believe anyone will want me as me. I'm afraid a relationship would end with one or both of us being hurt. I feel like by the time a good man finds me, my boys will be grown and not able to witness what love is supposed to be.
How can he get away with saying he has found truth and love with a woman he cheated on me with? He lied and hid. He told her he would never divorce me. He told me so many horrible things about her and likewise. How can he now claim that his relationship with her is a blessing and he's sorry I don't have that? God, I don't understand?!?
I don't want to be angry, but I am. Why have you allowed him to continue with his toxic words? Why are you allowing him to say You blessed him with his affair? That is a complete contradiction for who You are!
Have I not been faithful? Have I not constantly turned to you? Have I not begged for help? Have I not continually sought you, prayed to you, ask for wisdom and understanding?
You know my heart. I have not sought revenge, when I could have. I have not been cruel or smeared him. I did not get him fired or turn in the fraudulent things he has done. I just want to be free and he still continues to attack me! Why??? It's been years since I filed for divorce. Why won't he leave me alone? Why won't he let me go? I'm so tired.
So I understand Elisha wanting You to just take his life. He was so tired. He'd been fighting for so long, and he just didn't have the strength to ask for help or to even go on.