Updated: Sep 18
If you've felt any of what I describe, I'm so sorry. It helps to write down the hard feelings so you can release them.
When I’m feeling so lonely that I can barely breathe, when I want to cry, but hold back the tears, when I long to be comforted, cared about and held, I have to remember who I’m doing this for.
I'd like you to ask yourself what cycles are you fighting to break? Are they yours, are they cycles of denial, devaluation, a partner's abuse, lies or blame? Are they cycles that go back generations? No matter what battle your facing, I'm sorry, breaking cycles is a hard road to take.
When I want to seek affirmation, and reach out for someone I know isn’t right for me, I have to remember God’s promises. I believe we each have our own, I know He has promises for you too...... a promise and a purpose for your life. When things get overwhelming and I want to give up, I remind myself, I’m doing this for my boys.
We have to fight an invisible battle to stop the cycles of devaluation, the cycles of worthlessness, and the cycles of feeling not good enough.
As a mother, I have to remember that it is my job to protect my boys, love them, teach them, and be an example for them. I am working to change myself so I can become whole.
As we learn, heal and grow, my hope is that you will start to understand that wholeness comes from a spirit of authenticity, no longer hiding behind a persona of perfection.
I want victims to stop beating themselves up for perceived failures. I do it to myself too much! I’m often worried that I’m not doing enough for my children, that they don’t feel loved or wanted, important, protected, and cared for. I love them so much, and I hate that I still feel so broken. I often feel like I’m letting them down.
I hate that loneliness can grab me, dig its claws into my soul, squeeze me tight, and steal my breath. I'm angry that I’m so filled with shame that I hide from my own reflection. I can't stand that these feelings can still attack me and fill me with fear.
Who planted this seed to make me believe I will always be gripped by loneliness instead of held closely by love? What seeds have been planted in you to make you believe you will never measure up, that you will never be good enough? No matter who did, they chose to say the hurtful things, and that is not ok.
When self defeating thoughts and feelings infiltrate your mind, it is a battle within. It's a fight no one can see, and few others can understand. The more I am willing to admit though, the more I realize there are a lot of us out there.
I often wonder, why is my loneliness always worse at night? I question if this torment will ever end?
Why do I allow my thoughts to turn to loneliness, wanting to be held, to feel safe, to feel like I matter to a good man who won’t make me feel small and unimportant? Those are some of my weaknesses. Yours may be different, but they still produce pain.
Without God I’d be completely lost in the torturous thoughts that echo after years of being trained to self-blame. I was not made this way, and neither were you. We were not made to feel lost, empty, lonely, afraid, worthless, pitiful, ugly, unwanted, damaged, broken, afraid ….
The man I sacrificed for tried so hard to destroy me … and he nearly did. I'm asking you as someone who understands, do not give in to the lies, the whispers, the shame. I know how broken and lost you feel.
My abuser still wants to control me, shame me, belittle me and blame me, but God is setting me free. That monster inside of him full of darkness and hate, it can’t win against the Father of light. I have to remember that, I want you to remember that. Let the beautiful Spirit inside renew your shattered soul.
I remind myself how far I've come. That master of manipulation can no longer walk up my creaking steps in the middle of the night to startle me awake with screaming and words of hate. He can’t block me from walking away, he can't frighten me into giving in. He can’t touch me uninvited while I sleep. He did not destroy me. I'm fighting back daily.
I want you to remember how far you've come. When you've been frozen in place, even the smallest step is a victory. Don't give up, don't give in, cry, pray, seek to rise above the hate and join me in choosing to heal.
Even though my pillow is stained with tears, and my body longs for the warm comforting embrace of pure and honest love, I am grateful that the monster who conned his way into my heart is no longer in my house.
A mind that is filled with assumptions predetermined by twisted and corrupt thoughts does not have a right to give an opinion about who you are. Anyone who lashes out when faced with a blow to their ego, who chooses to project their wrongs on to you is choosing abuse instead of love. That person's opinion doesn’t matter, because their opinion is wrong.
You matter, you are enough, and no matter how lonely you may feel, I want you to know, you are not alone.