Feeling Lost

8-14-20

God I feel so lost. I feel like I’m in the middle of the darkest water with no idea where to swim. I’m treading water, just barley strong enough to stay afloat.  I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know how to keep going when I feel like things keep weighing me down, and pulling me under. 

I know you are there. You’ve been with me every painful step. And you will be with me during what’s to come. You know that I am scared. You know that I’m lonely. You know that I have this longing in my soul. Please fill it God. Please help me to be strong and keep going. Please fill me with the gift of your spirit so I don’t drown in the sorrow and loneliness. 

I long to hear you’re voice, to tell me what to do next, to lead me in the right direction so this suffering can end.  Have I not been faithful God?  I’ve never once thought there wasn’t a reason, I’ve never been angry at you for my choices or his choices.  I was blind and couldn’t see, so you healed me and revealed the truth. The longer he is out of my life the more clarity I have. 

The manipulation he used for his own gain, the control, the blame, all the forms of abuse. The things he did were not love. I was never loved by him.  God I long for a partner. For someone I can depend on, who won’t give up on me, who will truly see me and love all of me. I long to be a partner who makes “him” complete too. 

Only you know who he is. I have these feelings for The Navy man, but I don’t know what to think. I know how I feel. But I don’t know if it’s real or if it’s possible that he isn’t who I believe him to be. Only you know God, and I trust you completely. Please, please help me. Help Mr. Navy in what ever way he needs. I need the truth, not to be ignored and avoided. Please lay those things on his heart so he reaches out no matter how hard because this ... being ignored, and trying to guess, it’s messing with me, it’s making me confused and full of doubts. I don't want to feel this way. I just want the truth. 

Life is so complicated. I have to take care of the boys. I have to fix this house. I have to pay the bills. I have to pack this house. I have to fix the roof. I have to sell this house. I have to find a place to live.

I have to talk to a detective. I have to talk to a court appointed guardian. I have to document everything for this divorce. I have to make a list of what he gets / and what I get.

I'm still working full time. I have to worry about paying for things for the boys. I have to figure out how not to get triggered at work.  I have to figure out a schedule and a plan to get everything done. I have to worry about transportation for the boys.  I have to get them both into counseling.  I have to keep up with their medical needs and school needs. 

I still have to deal with my abuser.  I’m overwhelmed and exhausted.  I can’t do this without you Lord! 

I miss Mr. Navy so much. I miss his wisdom. Maybe it isn’t him. Being ignored is very painful for me. I shared so much with him. He encouraged me to be brave to fight for what I want.  He was never cruel or condescending. Is he happy Lord?  Is something going to happen that is out of his control? Only you know.  

God I do love who he is and I believe he loves who I am. I believe we could thrive and blissfully happy together.  And I maybe wrong, again. I do t trust myself, so I'm giving it to you.  God, if he’s depressed please lay it on his heart to not only want to reach out, but to know he can trust me to always be there and to never judge him.