Updated: Jan 17
God has been laying it on my heart to go back and review what He has told me. To share what He has said instead of what my abuser said over my life. He has laid it on my heart to review what He has done, the things He taught me, spoke to me in my thoughts, what He showed me in vision, in dreams, in those moments when Holy Spirit tears flowed out of me because I felt His presence.
I would not have made it through these last 3 1/2 years without God being with me. It can be easy to focus on the hard stuff, on the horrible things done to me .... I think I shared those things because I felt this need to prove why I was so broken.
I had been silent for so long, I had only said good things about my husband, I even lied for him, and made excuses for him. I understand I did so because I was living in a survival mentality, but after he moved out and clarity started to come, I felt like a liar. I felt like I had dishonored my moral core which filled me with a great deal of shame.
It has taken these past 3 1/2 years to be transformed. Each step has been so hard, but I knew if I allowed myself to stay trapped in a mind of trauma my life would feel lost.
I am still a work in progress, I still have bad habits that I need to remove from my life. I find peace knowing that God has been with me and no matter how much I messed up, He ALWAYS provided for me. I find comfort knowing that God knows my heart, He knows why I struggle and He is the only one who can heal me.
God has held my hand, He has carried me, He has literally saved my life, He has provided financial assistance that without it I would have lost my home, He has convicted my soul by showing me the toxic patterns that were hurting me and holding me back. He doesn't judge me, He loves me and teaches me what I need to change.
I'm going to review my journals so I can remember and share with you, the impactful moments I have had with God. Those moments weren't always easy, sometimes I felt like I wasn't worthy of His love because I knew what I should do, and wanted to do, yet I had no idea how to stop the toxic nature that had grown in my mind.
I still struggle to understand why I avoid things that I don't want to; things that I know hurt me and hold me back from a new life.
I still struggle with worrying that I am a failure.
Yet, instead of allowing my husband's cruel words to echo in my thoughts, I now recognize them, acknowledge them and fight to prevent the negativity from sneaking back in. I focus on what I I have learned how to put up a mental road block. I choose to fight back with who God says I am, and I pray for the Holy Spirit to fill me.
So, it's time for me to review and share the progress that God has led me through. As I post these lessons along my journey, I will add the date that I originally wrote them, but the post will reflect the date I'm sharing with you.
I have plans to update this website as well. I've wanted to for a while, but the Chrome Book I have is not compatible with the Wix editor program and purchasing a new laptop isn't possible right now.
My goal with this website is to reach anyone God wants to reach, to open hearts to healing, and His power to change lives! There is no testimony without a test. Testimony teaches us we aren't alone, that life can and does change for the better. Testimony gives us hope. In my case, I hope that my story reveals to you God's grace, and shows you how His love has the ability to transform someone who was very broken.
My next post I am going to share with you what happened that revealed to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is real!
In the meantime, I pray that you will experience peace, and that your heart will be open to understand you are loved by God who sees you and knows you. He wants you to know you are here for a reason, don't give up, you are cherished and valuable to Him.