Narcissist

Monday 3/11/19 late night after fight 12:43 am

Dear God,

The time when I ask him for help, saying I'm feeling sad and what do I receive? Judgment, blame, and accusations that I took a bunch of pain pills and shots. I didn't! I had 1/2 of a pain pill this afternoon so I could finish folding laundry.

He told our son (C) his coaches would call him a fatty-Magee for having the dinner he made without salad. He said,

"They called you out for not being able to do 60 push ups."

Then he went after our other son (E) for having a "huge" piece of chicken and too much pasta and that he shouldn't have bread with it. He got mad that E said he wanted to "bulk up".

Then he asked E about his grades and staying after school for math

"I'm not gonna help you out with driver's-ed. You can just forget about getting your license. You can't handle school so it's on you."

Then he came after me for “not stepping up“ with E’s grades and that I don't help out with school.

Then he started yelling at C again, this time for his choice in piano music.

He came back to yell at me sitting on the floor in the dining room trying to put away my art supplies.

I asked him to please just stop, but he kept yelling. It was one thing after another, he wouldn't stop!

He yelled and picked on each one of us. When I asked why he was so mad, he said he wasn't. When I listed off the things he had just been yelling about he said,

"I didn't yell, I'm angry because"....

I stopped listening. C came to me and whispered,

"Mom he is trying to pick at everyone and I did see him sneaking drinks."

C is worried his dad drinks too much and C knows he is mean.

But he blames everyone else, never himself.

A few nights ago, C told us that he lost a bracket off his braces.

He said,

"I'm not taking you, talk to your mom."

I said I'll take you C

He yelled,

"I'm not going to take the crap!!! I'm not going to get balled out! "

He glares and me and yells,

"I told you to figure it out! I told you to cancel and make the appointment to take him! So, figure it out, you are taking him!"

I said ok, I already told you I'd take him, just stop.

But he doesn't he says,

"I have gotten three letters, I'm not taking him."

He looks back at our crushed 12 year old son and yells,

"Talk to your mom. It's up to her ‘cause I'm not doing it!"

A little later he tried to use my faith against me. I told him that it bothers me how angry he gets. I told him I don’t like how he keeps yelling until he gets a reaction from one of us. I said I didn’t understand why he was acting that way, especially since I had already told him I was feeling down.

He looked at me with contempt and condescendingly said,

"With the way you think now," as he pointed to the sky, "I'm surprised, you should think about that."

He implied that I was thinking about suicide, when I was only feeling sad.

I don’t understand why he always does that? I don’t understand why he pushes, and pushes, being cruel and rude until he gets a reaction? There’s such a huge difference between being sad and wanting to die.

I tried to get away from him because he wouldn’t stop saying cruel and hurtful things. I wanted to be alone so I could cry without him making me feel even worse. But he followed me to the basement. He stood there and yelled while I tried to ignore him by doing laundry. But he blocked me from loading the clothes, he got in my way with his body and screamed in my face.

I finally gave up and stopped trying to do the laundry. He kept telling me,

"Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you."

He said he could tell by my body language that I was angry.

When I looked up he saw that I was crying, then he stopped yelling and said,

“Look, I’ve had a bad day. I’m upset, but I have to act like I’m fine because you can’t handle it.”

Then he said,

“Let’s just have a sit down with the boys. Let them decide. Let’s have a family discussion about what they need. Let’s ask them about everything I do for them….(gives me that look). Let’s ask them if they mind being pushed to be better. You’re health issues might let you be easy on them, but you know they need to be pushed. I’m just doing what any good parent would do. You know that.”

I asked if he just wanted to take over the house payments. I told him he can work the full time job. I asked him if he just wanted to run things since my opinion didn’t matter to him.

I'm sure I'm just a fatty-Magee, nothing to be proud of or look up to. I'm done eating in front of him. I'm done feeling worthless and useless. I'm tired of being married to an alcoholic ass hole who only treats me well when he isn't drinking and full of resentment.

I hate that I have an immune disease, I hate that I'm tired all the time. I hate that he makes me feel useless and worthless and crazy and small.

I hate that he makes me feel like he is the better parent. I would give anything to be the one who was at school with my boys. But I HAD to work!!!! He never gave me a choice. Any time I‘ve asked him to get a better paying job, he turns everything back onto me. He says things like,

“I can’t work more, if I did nothing would get done”

I am the one with the full time job, with the insurance, while he does what he wants. He hides bottles of vodka in the basement (he says from me). I know better. He doesn't want me to know how much he drinks.

He promises the world but when he can't deliver he tells me,

"Why don't you just figure it out! You do it then if it's so easy."

But when I do jump in and do things he gets mad that I haven't consulted with him.

Our house is falling apart because he wants "down time." He promises to do something but he doesn't. Yet, somehow this is all my fault? Why doesn't he see any of this?

He is cruel when he drinks. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I love him, but I don't feel loved or needed or wanted. And when he threatens me I want to just leave.

I want to be happy. Why should I feel guilty for wanting more? Why does he think he is the best of everything? He claims he’s the better parent, that he’s the primary parent who does everything for the boys.

He says he’s the best husband and how lucky I am. He brags all the time about how the women he works with are shocked when he tells them he does laundry, and how jealous they are, and how they wish their husbands helped them as much as he helps me.

He says he should give lessons to guys how to treat their wives and how lucky I am for all the things he does for me. But, he won't even touch me. He turns me down any time I want to be close to him. But of course that is my fault for being a fatty. I will no longer eat in front of him. He already follows me anytime I go to the kitchen, assuming I going to get something to eat. He yells at me for throwing away food from the fridge that never was eaten. He yells at me for not planning meals, for not going to 3 different grocery stores to get the best deals like he does. He yells at me for not making more salads for the boys.

I love my boys so much, but maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't push hard enough. Maybe he is better. Maybe I am worthless. Maybe he is the better parent. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe we should sit down and decide what is best as a family.

Maybe it's time to split. Maybe he should be with someone else. But no matter what he tries to pull, I love my boys with every ounce of my being, with every piece of my soul and my broken heart. I may not push them, but I want them to know love, to feel love, to know they are loved no matter who they are. God, please help me. I need you. I love you.

Love your daughter,

Poiema