God keeps showing me how I am different, not how I am the same. His way of telling me He made me this way for a reason.
I’ve thought since college, my faith in him is not what I was taught, it is not the faith of my parents. I haven’t been limited by what I was told to believe. By seeking my own understanding and interpreting His word, my heart is open to the things He wants me to understand.
When I’m on the right track, he finds ways to confirm what I’ve had “ah-ha” moments about. He gives me examples in a sermon on the radio, a podcast, a song, a message from a friend, or a sermon that pops up in my YouTube account, and even seeing a hawk during times of doubt, (I believe they are a confirmation from God telling me I'm still on the right path).
I’ve had the thought “Be still” from Him since February. And it’s taken until now to really understand what He has been telling me. I got a message from my mom …
I keep thinking ....“Be still”
She thought it was from the verse that follows with … "and know I am your God."
I looked it up …. Yes it’s in that verse, but that’s not the only one!
For weeks a song has been playing in my thoughts when I’m alone …. The same words over and over with the melody …..
“fight my battles”
Then when I searched “be still” I found the other verse.
It’s from Exodus …
“The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.”
I've been writing for months now, how I’m so tired of the fight, that I’m exhausted and lost and that I want to give up. I won’t give up though because my boys need me to be strong. I’ve been crying for help, not knowing how much longer I can keep going, and begging God to protect my children, to intervene and give me courage and strength so I can continue to fight for them.
This is how I know He is with me. This is how I know he hears me and is reaching for me, teaching me, encouraging me and He will fight for me, I need only be still.
I choose to be faithful. I choose to let light instead of darkness into my heart. I will not become bitter or seek revenge even when I am weak and want to. Instead, when I am feeling shattered, beaten down, angry and alone I will continue to cry out to Him. I pour my heart out to Him because He alone knows every thought, every hurt, every fear and doubt, and He loves me still.
He doesn’t want to punish me for my pain. He wants to protect me from more suffering. He knows what I’ve survived and what is still being done to me and my boys. The one who seeks to destroy me, he will sink his own ship with his own actions, I do not have to do anything other than stay true to who I am.
So when the dust settles, when the battle is over, no matter how long it takes, I will be able to hold my head high, because I chose to be a person of honor and integrity. Even when I stumble, even when I make mistakes, I will not hide from them. I will admit my failures, learn from them, pick myself up and keep moving forward.
There is no better affirmation than one from God!
I must continue to remind myself of this! I have sought affirmation from others, but only God knows everything my trust must remain in Him!