God Is

I keep thinking about that moment … December 26,2019..... 25 days after I was Baptized in water … My old self died. 

The one who stole the throne of my heart, who I created as a false idol, who I bowed down to, who I was in fear of (his mood swings, his rage, his criticism), in that moment I realized the truth; he did not ever deserve to be in a place of worship!

Love does not deceive and hide the truth! Love does not betray while pretending to be faithful. Love does not force, demand or assume in suspicion.  Love does not lie!  Love feels empathy.  Love rejoices and weeps together.  Love does not hurt with malicious intention in order to protect itself! Love does not demean or devalue.  

In that moment I felt his hate and contempt.  I understood his rage came from him knowing the facade he’d created was no longer veiled. I saw his disrespect, his entitlement, his inability to care about anyone's feelings except his own. I finally understood, no amount of loving him would ever cause him to love me in return. I finally knew that he would never choose the truth if he believed it would bring him negative consequences.  I finally understood the man I thought he was, never existed.  

I begged God to help me.  I felt like I was dying!  I crumbled to the floor in my bedroom and curled as tightly into myself as I could.  In that moment I was utterly shattered, I cried so hard that for a moment, sound could not even break out of me. All the pain, all the hope, all the faith in him, all the anger, all the love, all the moments of joy, and fear, all of our past moments together, all the moments of his rage, the lies, and manipulation … I felt more than grief …. everything I’d believed about “us” was a lie … my life was a lie, he was a lie.  I felt like I was dying.  I cried, “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do it God, just take it all, I don’t know what else to do.”  

Then something snapped. 

I had been living bound and constricted by this rubber band that had grown tighter and tighter with every twist and binding until finally, it snapped!   It was broken!  The trauma bond was broken!

With my tears in a puddle beneath me, I felt something I’d never felt before, something that was not possible with the state I was in.  I felt peace, true peace, but not from inside, it started outside of me.  As I laid there in a fetal position on my floor, I felt a warm, soft, thick liquid-like sense that slowly poured over and through me. I felt grace, comfort, peace, relief and love from the warmth that was both covering me and filling me. 

I will never know how long I was crumbled in a ball on my floor. So many things happened in an instant, yet felt like forever.

I believe that was my spiritual baptism, it’s when my husband became a mere man. He was kicked off the throne of my heart, and the one who belonged there, loved me in my spiritual death. 

That moment could have been the most traumatic moment in my life. Instead it became the most precious moment and removed all doubt, so that not even a sliver was left to question whether God is real! I know with every cell, every muscle, every thought, all my internal energy, that God is real.  In that moment I was given a gift to know that God is neither a man nor a woman, neither essence nor energy, but is ALL of those.  God is in everything, everywhere, surrounding and in life.  At that moment I knew God’s Spirit was in me and most importantly HE loves me.

If someone were to ask me, “Would you live that moment again now that you know the outcome?” The truth is even if I wanted to, I would not be able to.   It’s not possible for me to be the woman I was before I was transformed. That woman is gone.  All the emotions she felt all at once was like being in the middle of the ocean hit by tsunami size waves.  She had mere seconds to come up for air, only to be slammed by the next wave of emotions and thrown under the water again.   She drowned and was transformed when the storm was calmed by HIM. 

Jesus breathed life back into my lungs. HE brought me back from death through HIS spirit. All my life I’ve had this thought that drowning would be such a horrible way to die; not being able to breathe, lungs filled with water, knowing it was over… So strange, I never really got it until now.  That thought, like some distant memory, was not a fear, but was more an awareness of something that had not happened yet. 

Being transformed completely is a process and takes a great deal of determination.  The gift I was given has caused me to know with all that I am, not only is God real, but HE is my Abba, HE loves me and will never stop loving me.  It is up to me to move forward, to keep healing, growing and learning, and none of which can or will I do without HIM. HE has shown me too much to ever doubt HE is.  (Yes, that is an intentional end of the sentence… GOD IS)! 

I share this and other experiences of mine so through them in truth, HE will also give you the knowledge that HE so graciously gave me.  You are loved. You are not alone.