I keep trying to understand

Updated: Aug 12

Sunday 8/4/19 walking stopped at the church benches 8pm


I just don’t think I can do it. I’m not strong enough. The darkness is sucking me in, clinching its sharp grip around my heart. Changing me into someone I don’t like, full of bitterness, self doubt, worthlessness, anger, I don’t like who I’ve become.


I will never be able to trust that he isn’t comparing me to Her, that he isn’t longing to be with her because she understands him in a way that I don’t, because she makes him feel loved in a way that I don’t, because she is young and beautiful, fun and carefree, and I’m full of misery and pain, and hurt, and heartbreak.


I will never be able to believe that if things get too hard that he wont run back to her for comfort.


She wins. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t risk my boys, my life, my emotional state jut because I love him with all of my soul.


I asked You to show me, tell me, somehow find a way to let me know that divorce is the only option if that’s what I’m supposed to do.


I asked for truth, I asked him to tell her he wants no contact, but he isn’t willing to do that. How can I possibly believe it’s over? How can I possibly think that he isn’t in love with her, that he isn’t holding on to her for “just in case.”


I’m more broken that I ever thought possible.


And what’s crazy....today, I actually thought.....

‘I need to forgive her, not hold hate in my heart ...... because she has her reasons too. She is broken too. She is influenced by darkness too. Who knows what kind of things he has told her about me?’


I can only imagine....with the kinds of things he says to me when he is angry with me....I’m sure her opinion of me is that I’m a bad person, that I hold hatred and vengeance for her. He probably told her I was stalking her, because that’s what HE thought....


It wasn’t about her .... it was about catching him because I KNEW with how he was acting that he was back with her. And he lied. He won’t stop lying.


Please tell me why won’t he stop lying to me?


Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t he open up to me? Why was he always so closed off with his feelings?


I tried so hard. I didn’t push, I knew he was depressed. But once his anger took over, his lashing out and putting me down, pointing out ALL of my shortcomings, I closed myself off, built my walls back up to protect myself.


How can I still love him? How can I trust him with my heart? How can I ever trust anything he tells me ever again, when he still lies, to protect himself, to protect her, and claim it’s to protect me?!?!?!?!


I can’t do it God. I’m sorry, I vowed myself to him in front of you, promised to be faithful, promised to stand by him through good and bad, to lift him up, become one. But he betrayed all of our vows and still lies to me. Lies to himself.


God, if we aren’t supposed to be together please show me. If we are meant to move on, if we will be happier with other people, if he is supposed to be with her, if she is who his heart desires please help me to let him go.


Please help me to move on. Please help me to be brave, to be strong, to be forgiving, to be gracious and not allow darkness to consume me. Please lead me to the path you have prepared for me.


Please help me to heal, to let go of the pain, the hurt, the self doubt, the fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Help me to let go of the fear that I will never feel the kind of love that I have felt, the kind of love that I have longed for from my husband.


Please I’m begging you help me be better, be stronger, so that I don’t fall into the black hole. Please forgive me for my harsh words toward my husband, my harsh words about her, and about myself.


Forgive me for the hurt and bitterness that has taken over me. Forgive me for asking you to take my life, to end the pain, because I don’t want to do it myself. Please give me grace. Please help me. In the name of Jesus I pray to you and by his blood. Amen.


I love you, you’re daughter,

Poiema





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