Internal battle

1/13/21

Abba,

Sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m so tired. I’ve been fighting back for so long! It’s not the kind of fight that once it’s done I get to move on. It’s continuous .... fighting myself to remember I’m not worthless, to remember I matter because I’m a mother and my boys need me. I’m fighting the old thought patterns that would invade my happiness and tell me I’m not good enough, I’m too broken, too damaged, too old, for anyone to take the time to see me.

I’m fighting the exhaustion of figuring out what he is really up to, what he’s really saying, what lies he’s telling to manipulate and control me. Fighting my panic, my flashbacks, my anxiety and the fear that maybe I did cause it, maybe it was my fault, maybe he isn’t as bad I believe, maybe he isn’t evil, maybe he isn’t a monster.

I’m fighting to hold my tongue and not tell my boys the things I wish I could say because I know they need to see it for themselves. I’m fighting the powerless feelings of not being able to do something to MAKE him stop ... all the horrible, selfish, entitled choices that cause this misery to drag on and on!!!

I’m fighting the impatience within me to want it to be over, wanting to be with someone who will respect me, care for me, and actually touch me with tenderness!!!!

I’m fighting the frustration at myself for not getting things done sooner, better, and more efficiently. I’m fighting the desire to want to give up, give in, to be selfish and do what I want instead of what I know is best.

I’m fighting the suffocating loneliness, the emptiness, the longing for the joyful life I’ve never had.

It feels like I’m stuck, even though I’m not. I still feel trapped even though I’m not. I still feel unloved even though I’m not. I’m just so exhausted, and the feelings that suck me into disparate stupid thoughts come in waves out of no where, and for no apparent reason!!!

I’m so tired! I’m tired of the pain, the emptiness, the overwhelming feelings, the fears and doubts, the disappointments in myself. I’m tired of people not understanding....even the ones who try ... they end up shocked that I survived 28 years of psychological, financial, sexual abuse and neglect.

And I’m tired of the shame that I didn’t leave sooner, that I didn’t fight harder to save my boys for the years that they have suffered! I’m tired of the mind games he still plays. I’m tired of the worry about how he treats my boys and how he manipulates them for his personal interests!

I’m tired of not knowing what life is supposed to be like. I’m tired of not knowing what being loved by a good man would even feel like, what being cared for, respected, and not afraid all the damn time would feel like!!!

Sometimes I’m so strong and others this is who I am. And I’m just so, so tired! Thank you for being here, for loving me even in my brokenness.

Love your daughter,

Poiema