Updated: May 8
I didn’t think I needed this message that popped up first in my YouTube feed, until I paid $455.82 of my $570.00 electric bill, and realized I only have $227.03 left in my account for 1 ½ weeks. Then I answered the texts I’ve been avoiding from my sister-in-law who has been helping me with my finances ever since I asked her last week, after my Jeep was repossessed.
Even though it’s been hard letting my Jeep go, I believe that was an answer to prayer because not an hour earlier I’d been sitting in my Jeep crying and telling God I want to be obedient, and I want to be able to tithe, and I want to be able to fix my finances and save my house. I prayed for financial wisdom and for His Holy Spirit to fill me with wisdom, understanding, knowledge, discernment and grace. I was only 2 car payments behind. Rather than freaking out, I reached out.
I called my sister-in-law and asked for her help, I told her what happened, in addition to some other very hard things, like my youngest son having to give up travel baseball because I don’t have the money. She came over the next night to help me. She was amazing and understanding and kind and said she didn’t know how I’d made it this long. She told me things to do. Some I did, others I haven’t.
So, this morning I texted her back and admitted that I’ve been too embarrassed to answer her because I haven’t done everything she told me to do, like emailing my lawyer and telling her that I want / need to file bankruptcy. She was so sweet and even came over a few days later and took some paperwork to help sort (bills, letters, basically all my mail that I haven’t opened in months). This morning she texted there’s something from my mortgage company from September about establishing a point of contact. So she thinks it might be too late. Like my raise coming in December that will start being paid out in January, it will be too late to save what is already gone.
So, the tears won’t stop. The disappointment in myself, the guilt for having this stupid avoidance thing that I can’t control no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to do something I end up setting it aside for some reason. Then so many of the things I know I need to take care of don’t get done.
I know it only gets worse the longer I put it off. I know this!!!! So why am I like this??? I used to be such a go-getter. I used to be so stubborn. I used to take care of things and not procrastinate. I don’t want to be this way. I know that blessings only come when I do the work. And I recognize that in a lot of ways I have gotten better, but it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
And now my thoughts turn dark and I am reminded of how he made me feel every single day. That I’m not enough, and never will be enough no matter what I do. That I will fail, that I am a failure, that I was too weak and emotionally fragile to handle things. I know in my heart he’s wrong! He spent years and years making me think those things with his covert tactics and manipulative comments.
I don’t want to be like this!!!!! I want to be strong! I want to do what God has told me to do! So, in my heartbreak and pain I seek Him. I look to Him for answers, because I don’t have them. My choices put me here. God didn’t.
So I’m going to watch this message and pray that God will help me. That He will speak to me through Pastor Furtick. That He will give me guidance, reassurance and courage. Because I do believe with all my heart that no matter the pain now, soon things will change, soon I and my boys will be free, and we will live a blessed, joyful, abundant life.
After this message I’m going to watch Transformation church. It was on my to do list today. Then I have to call and have bills that are automatically withdrawn changed to later dates. If I don’t make those calls my account will be overdrawn and I won’t have enough money to buy food for my boys. So actually, I’ll make the calls first then church. I can do this! I have to face this! I cannot hide! I have to believe, I have to save my boys and myself!!!