Getting Lost

8/28/2020

Abba,

I am so scared that whoever I end up with will be an abuser too. That I won’t “see” it, just like with him. I’m working so hard to educate myself on all this because it's common for someone who's been with an abuser to end up with another just like, or worse than the first.

I’m so scared that I won’t know if whoever I date is lying or not, if he is a good man or a manipulator. I’m terrified that if there is a good guy that comes along I’ll scare him away, I’ll screw it up.

The ONLY thing that gives me any peace is trusting that You will protect me. I choose to believe if there is a someone, someday, whoever he is, he will be understanding, and will see past my internal scars. I believe he will understand how my doubts come from doubting myself, not him. That he will see that my husband, who I believed in, never loved me, wasn’t faithful, and never wanted me.

I’m trying so hard to be a good person in so many ways. I do not talk bad about him, I don’t smear him on Facebook for his abuse, cheating, and constant manipulation. I pray for wisdom when I talk to our boys.

I don’t want our boys to hate him, I don’t want them to feel bad for loving him. I don’t want them to feel confused or defensive. When they have an opinion of him it will be by his own doing, not because I tried to influence them. He is their dad and there shouldn’t be “sides.”

That’s one of his sayings ...

“You’re going to have to pick a side.”

He says it to our boys, I’ve heard him yelling it at his parents. He has said to my brother, to his brother and to his little brother’s wife.

And now, because my focus turned to what he's done, I don’t have the desire to talk about what I started to tell you.

I know I have a lot of healing to do before I’m ready to begin dating. I’m just so lonely.

Your daughter,

Poiema