12/13/20 Message to a boyfriend I'd had before I met him
Hey, I’m working on something and I have a question, I’m curious .... but before I ask I’ll try and explain a little.
I told you that I’m writing. I know my purpose is to share my story and save victims of abuse who are contemplating suicide because they believe how their abuser makes them feel .... that everything is their fault.
I'm using my past journal entries, current research and continued experiences, in hopes to help others recognize what I didn’t.
Lately I’ve been working on who I was BEFORE him. It is helping me to be honest with myself about my core traits. I’ve ALWAYS felt different. Yet, I’m starting to understand why I've always felt different than others. I’m proud of who I have always been. I accept it, though a lot of people most likely will not. After the abuse I feel strong enough to know that people’s opinions don’t matter because I know who I am, I know the truth.
So, to my point. I am curious to know if that connected feeling was just a me thing or if you felt it too? If you didn’t it’s ok. I am hoping to understand if it came from my ability of having a sense about people.
Today while writing I was trying to describe those “feelings” in a way that would make sense to someone who’s never experienced what I have.
For example some people make me so uncomfortable it feels like maggots squirming around in my chest, others feel like fingernails screeching across a dirty chalkboard, some feel like a warm fuzzy blanket - those are the ones who bring me peace, some have made me feel jittery and as if my insides can’t sit still and my body will actually shake like I’ve had too much coffee .... there’s more but I’m guessing you get the point.
I was thinking how there’s only been one time where I thought I could feel someone else even when we weren’t together.
I’m being transparent and open, please know this is NOT for anything other than wanting to understand.... this is from my journal ….
~ I’ve only met one person who I could feel all the time, even when we weren’t with each other. It felt as if my soul reached out for his, and his for mine until they could hold hands with fingers entwined in a web of comfort. When we were together I felt peace, relaxed, comforted, understood, on the deepest level I’ve ever felt. I felt his joy when he held my hand, and I felt his sadness when he let me go. I felt his excitement when we embraced, and I felt peace when we sat together and just wrapped our arms around each other.
He made me feel beautiful, loved, adored, accepted and I loved him the same, I felt we were the same, that we were somehow connected. I had never felt that before and I’ve never felt it since.~
That feeling is what I longed for and never had. I figured it was a once in a lifetime thing. But now I am hopeful that it wasn’t. I’m hoping the reason I didn’t feel connected to my husband is because he has antisocial personality disorder.
I’m hopeful that it is possible to have that feeling again someday. But because I’ve never been loved by anyone other than a teenage crush, I don’t know if ALL real love feels like that, or it was unique? You have loved since, and have someone wonderful now. Can you please tell me, did you feel a connection too? And if so, have you felt it since?
***He said it wasn’t just me, that he felt it too, that empathic people often do. He said he has felt it since as well. His reply gave me such hope!