Dating Question and Answer

My mom asked me about dating and if an upcoming second date is with the person I had already told her about. I haven't dated so I could focus on my boys, so I could heal and so I could be free to focus on my relationship with God.

I haven't tried dating in several years. So, even though it was a first date I told a lot of people because I was excited to be moving to a new stage in my life.  

I texted her the truth:

"Don't try and keep up, 

I have a feeling there will be a lot of first dates, and a few second dates, after that I'll know whether that's my person or not. So it's really not worth talking about each one of them until it feels like something more."

"Honestly, I don't know if I should be dating or not. I don't know if it's what God wants for me or if I'm doing what I want. I still believe the things I wrote three years ago, and I still believe that was from HIM .....

That the man for me will find me, that my soul will be at peace, and nothing in him will cause me to feel unsettled, that he will read my words and fall in love with me, that he will know my heart because of what I write."

"How's he going to find me?  He can't if I'm always sitting around at home.  This faith stuff is so confusing sometimes."

My moms reply:

Thanks for catching up!! Means a lot as you're pretty much always in our thoughts! Not in an intrusive way or worrying way at all just a loving  prayful way! We trust you HSled (Holy Spirit led) prayfulness and discerning heart! Just happy you're getting out an spreading your wings!!  God bless Sweetheart !! Love you so much 🥰😍💕

Missed that last part!!

You are on the right track!! God will make sure he finds you! Especially if he can see your heart in your ministry in writing! You are right enjoying new friendships. You will meet a wonderful Christian man who will know and understand your heart! You will encourage and "get" him and he you! In the meantime you'll keep growing , having a ministry and making and encouraging new friends! Thanks so much for updating us!! Means so much !! Love you honey!!

I’m very blessed to have my parents who love and support me as I am, they accept me as I am. 

I may be a victim of abuse, but I’m also a survivor and a fighter. I don’t know how to be anyone other than me.  I have a feeling I’m not someone most men would want, not with how constantly in my head I am, (once I am willing to share my ideas, then he will know I’ve fallen for him). The man who wants to be with me will understand and appreciate how important it is for me to create, and to share myself with my words.

My words are what keep me sane through all this mess. My words have to be honest, open and willing to be vulnerable because I will NEVER pretend to be someone other than who I am for a man. 

Dating is so scary. I don’t have a type other than the opposite of him!  I pray for a love that …. ***Oh, geez what I pray for will have to be for another post.  

This is a text message between me and someone I went on a date with …. BTW I try to not send long messages like this usually, I get most men don’t want to read long messages, so I’m trying to be more mindful of that …. But, I fully admit to being very awkward when it comes to any attempt at a romantic relationship!  I’m an infant when it comes to understanding the craziness of dating!

5/5/23 texting:

"You asked how long I was with my ex ,... I didn't know how to answer that. It was 28 years when he moved out. It’s been 3 and 1/2 years since he left."

Did not send: (We dated for 7 years, we were engaged for 2 years and I was alone on our 19th, 20th, and 21st wedding anniversary. This July might be our 22nd year of marriage, but I’m praying that we will be divorced before then.)

That's a long time to be unhappy, was it ever not bad?

"It wasn't as bad before we had kids. We did have fun times and romantic times."

That's good

"I tried to leave him many times. I tried breaking up with him in high school, and college. He always changed for a while so when he'd go back to being mean I believed it was my fault. I didn't know the patterns. I also was considering leaving him just before I got pregnant with C. "

"There are a lot of moments that I look back on and it's like a veil that had been over the bad stuff flew away and I finally saw who he'd become. That was heartbreaking. My past felt like a lie."

"I don't feel that way anymore. It wasn't a lie for me or my boys, just him."

"It's like the frog ....

If you put it in a pot of boiling water it jumps away, but put it in nice water and slowly turn up the heat it will remain until it boils to death because it doesn't recognize the change is killing it."

Good analogy

"Thank you."

"It's hard to talk about with people who have never experienced psychological abuse. Some people will never believe it, others judge the victim. Bruises are easy to see, but the wounds from constant devaluation, those wounds are like tattoos on the soul. No one can see them, but they become part of you."

"That's why I write. I want to bring awareness so .....Other young people don't get sucked into a life like I lived ...... So loved ones will recognize the patterns and do what they can to intervene ...... And law (my side of the world) will recognize what's going on rather than assuming or judging incorrectly."

"Mostly I want to do what I can to make things change."

I didn't send:

Honestly, my 'story' so to speak it's not uncommon. I just have a unique opportunity to use my own words through the entire process ...... starting from before I knew I was in an abusive relationship, to figuring things out, then working through trauma and finally healing. I've been journaling since I was 9 years old, but these past 4 years I haven't been able to stop writing, everyday.

It’s hard to read some of the moments I recorded from my past …. The excuses I made for him, the way I blamed myself, the doubts and fears that he didn’t love me, the concerns that he was either gay or cheating, and especially my worry that he might be abusing our son when I wasn’t around.

But I did send

"K, sorry that's probably too much sharing."

It's ok I'm getting to know you for something different then just friends

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This is such a confusing world to me. When it comes to dating, most people I know want to give advice on what someone should or shouldn't say, how we should look, what we should avoid etc.

But, to me, that's just pretending to be someone I'm not. So, IF someone fell in love with me, they wouldn't really love me, they would love a version of me that I made up.

How could I ever let my guard down and just be me and trust that he would still want me? Isn't it better to be authentic and let the person who loves all of me figure out he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? So when he asks to be with me it's real, I will know he loves me, exactly as I am.

I will not stop being who I am just because someone didn't like something about me. That just means that person isn't right for me. I know who I am, what I believe and what I'm looking for. God knows even more than I do who is right for me.

I haven't dated, I've been completely avoiding it for years because after I filed for divorce and tried to date. I realized I wasn't emotionally equipped to understand dating, let alone men, and I wasn't healed enough to make good decisions. I've just recently decided to give it a try again, slowly, with authenticity, boundaries, and a new ability to say "no."