I feel so Cheated

I feel cheated. Not because he cheated on me… but out of the life that could have been.

I feel cheated out of my potential, my dreams, my joy, my teen years, my college years, my budding career years. I feel cheated out of my purity, my innocence, my desire to only have sex and make love with one man for the rest of my life.

I feel cheated out of love, out of time …. I’m 44, nearly 45 years old and I have to start all over. I feel cheated out of a happy, healthy partnership….one that could have been an example to my precious sweet boys who have also been abused.

I feel cheated out of trusting….it’s so hard for me to correct my thoughts when they travel down a path of suspicion. I feel cheated out of my children having a good dad, an example of strength, humility, integrity, faith, and love. I feel cheated for them, that he helped make them but he doesn’t love them, because he isn’t capable of love.

I feel cheated out of a normal life.

I'm angry that my boys don’t know what a normal life with a good dad is. I’m angry that he has hurt my children, that he has shown them every disgusting, immoral and selfish behavior. I’m angry that I didn’t stop it years ago, that I didn’t leave years ago for them, to save them from his disgusting abuse.

I’m angry that they have made excuses for him, lied for him, protected him, and that they learned that from me! I’m angry that they now see the truth because of how he has treated them since he’s been out of the house. I’m angry that he has disrespected and disregarded them. I’m angry that he has physically hurt them and I didn’t know how bad it was.

I’m angry that he selfishly chooses to spend time with his girlfriend rather than being with them. I’m angry that he still pretends he’s not with her, that she is half his age, that he still sneaks around to be with her when everyone knows, and none of us care! I’m angry that I actually worry about her, and feel bad for her when she didn’t care at all that he was (and still is) married, she didn't care about me or our children!

I’m angry that he compared me to his mistress, that he intentionally hurt me, made me feel old, fat, and undesirable. I’m angry that he used my love language to manipulate me into letting him stay. I’m angry that once I told him to never touch me again, he took my body without permission and has gotten away with it! I’m angry that I am still experiencing flash backs from his sexual abuse.

I’m angry that he still tries to control me, hurt me, put me down and demean me! I’m angry that all his lies haven’t caught up with him. I’m angry that he’s gotten away with stalking me even though I’ve handed over proof in his own words! I’m angry that he made me feel worthless, lonely, ugly, lazy, undesirable, crazy, irrational, depressed, stupid, hated, unnecessary, and most of all like a bad mother.

I’m angry that he used my faith against me, that he pushed me over the edge into the darkest places to the point of wishing I was dead…and before he was forced to leave, telling me he wished I would have killed myself!

I’m angry that someone like him exists and gets away with being a horrible human being because of the mask he wears for everyone else! I’m angry that I keep taking the high road, that I’m not the kind of person to seek revenge because instead of being like him, I want to….no … I have to be an example to my boys opposite of him.

I have to break the cycle. I've told them how wrong I was to protect someone who never protected us. I have to show them what it means to be humble, kind, genuine, generous, trustworthy, and compromising. I have to show them how God will provide for us when we honor him, seek him, talk to him, trust him, and believe in him.

I have to figure out how to be strong for them! I have to figure out how to pay my bills, how to fix this broken down house, how to pay for a new lawyer, how to make him divorce me! I have to figure out how to let go of fear, to stop having this shame and disgust with myself. I have to keep learning, keep healing, keep seeking wisdom, understanding, discernment and grace.

I have to keep talking honestly yet carefully to my precious sweet boys. I have to keep talking to them about You, and showing them what it means to have faith, to be honest, honorable and courageous! I have to become the mother I’ve always wanted to be but was bullied out of being.

I have to remember all I’ve been through, all I’ve overcome, all the small miracles and the moments of divine peace. I have to remember I’m not alone, that You are my strength, my protector and my savior.

I am not a victim anymore, I am a survivor! By Your grace and loving kindness … soon I will be a victor! I do believe! I do have a voice! I am loved because I am a mother, and I will heal for them!

Love your daughter,

Poiema