Can I do this?
I honestly don’t know if I can do this. From one moment to the next I don’t know if our marriage can be saved. I don’t know how to believe anything he tells me after so many lies. There is absolutely no trust. He only comes clean (and even then only partly), if I have “proof” of his lies.
Why doesn’t he feel bad about lying to me? Why doesn’t he want to be honest and open? Why doesn’t he seem to care enough about how lying destroys any chance of rebuilding our marriage?
How can I live this way? Do I even want to?
If he is being unfaithful now, or if he is hiding things from me, it isn’t about me anymore, it’s about him and what kind of person he is.
If he IS being faithful, and truly regrets having an affair but can’t come clean about everything, that’s about him too.
If he is unwilling to be open and honest, then there is no reason to stay together because I’ll never be able to trust that he won’t betray me again. I’ll never be able to believe he has the kind of integrity, honor and love that is needed to be faithful.
I have given this to God. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have doubts and fears. It means that I trust God to reveal what only He can. It means that I believe with my whole heart that God will show me exactly which path to choose.....one of reconciliation and rebuilding, or one of moving on and filing for divorce. Because only God and my husband KNOW what is truth and what has been hidden.
Only God has the power to work a miracle in our marriage and save both of us and our children. Only God knows if that is going to happen together or apart. Only God knows what my husband needs, what he has done, and how he feels.
Approximately 3 hours after I wrote this I caught him for the final time. I had my answer God led me to that answer.