I Still Believe

(I was going to delete this post because I was in emotional turmoil when I wrote it. But, then I remembered how much it helped me to discover other women in a Christian counseling group who had the same experiences and feelings as me. I didn't feel crazy or alone anymore. So, Im keeping this for anyone who needs to know these feelings are normal after years of abuse)

4/3/2023

I still believe God will provide for me.  I still believe that HE will turn everything around for good.

It’s almost over, I’m nearly free and I have to set aside my disappointments, my shame, my anger and my pain. I have to remember that I chose to marry a monster. God tried to warn me. I was naive and ignorant to who he was; a wolf in sheep's clothing, a manipulator in disguise. 

He steals, he lies, he takes and he torments.  He enjoys hurting others, especially me. God revealed the truth that I had not been able to see. I was blinded by lies, I was bound by false love, I was held captive by loyalty. 

I was a good wife, I know that now. I did not deserve to be abused, cheated on, stolen from or used. I was faithful and forgiving. I was honest and kind.  I kept trying to reach him, to prove he was loved, to prove that with God anything is possible. But he refused to believe in anything, not me and especially not God. He chose the path of selfish darkness and hid from the light. 

I fought for my family while he fought against me. I poured out my heart to God, begging him to save my husband, save my family. But every attempt to reach him, the worse he became. His spirit and soul turned even darker and more cruel. The more he gave in to hate and blame the more his soul became twisted and demented.  

Maybe he was always that way and I just hadn’t seen it for myself. Maybe being baptized opened my spirit to fully see the truth of the man he allowed himself to become.  Maybe his true self only revealed itself because he couldn’t hide behind lies and deception anymore. Maybe that is why he hates me and wishes me dead; because I know the truth, I know what he has done, I know who he is under the façade he created. 

I can sense it now, in other people. It’s only happened a few times, but it causes my spirit to be jumpy and uncomfortable beyond anything natural. Maybe that’s part of God’s plan, that somehow he will use my ability to discern the darkness in some people?  It’s not a gift I would ask for that’s for sure!  But I told HIM when HE called me that I would follow HIS will, whatever it is, wherever HE leads me, whatever HE asks me to share. I’m not afraid of people's opinions of me because I know who I am, I know what I’ve survived and I know with all my heart that my Abba is with me! 

I can’t tell my story without God being in it. When people ask, ‘How did you find out?  How did you know?  How did you sit there and talk to the woman he’d been having an affair with? How did you get out? How did you break the trauma bond? How did you survive?’ …  Every single one of those questions has a divine answer that can’t be explained unless I share what the Holy Spirit has done. 

So, even now while I’m questioning, ‘Why is he allowed to keep taking money from me? Why do I have to pay him to be free? Why am I left with the debt he created? Why do I have to split the proceeds of the sale of my house? Why do I feel like I’m being punished for marrying a monster who never provided for his family? Why hasn’t he been held accountable for all the horrible things he has done?’ I still believe God will rescue me.  

If I had the money to pay everything off I would.  If I had the ability to give my boys what they need without his help in the future I would!  3 ½ years he hasn’t paid anything for them, for this home, and he claimed C on taxes 2 years in a row, leaving me with no way to make up the losses from paying for them vs paying some bills (like this house and those credit cards). 

What is God trying to teach me?  I don’t understand.  I will never be perfect, God knows that.  I need help, but I don’t know if I’m worthy of it?  I’ve been alone, accepting my wilderness season as a time to heal and learn. I have to believe God has a plan!  I have to believe the words HE has spoken over me!  HE has proven time and time again HE is with me, this can’t be any different. I will not allow the echoes of the enemy to destroy my future!

My faith has been tested. My life has been turned upside down. Everything I believed about my life with my husband was a lie.  It wasn’t a lie for me or my children, it was a lie for him!  Every word was a tactic, every action a maneuver in a game that only he was playing. His game has always been about him coming out on top with no care or concern for who he destroyed to win. 

I don’t want to pay him!  It’s wrong!  He refused to work so I didn’t have a choice!  I had to be dependable because he was not!  I worked difficult hours, and took naps so I could take care of our infant sons. I worked overtime, holidays and weekends.   I learned how to restore and repair things so I could fix up our broken down house.  He didn’t work in the summers, he didn’t work for 2 years after he got fired for committing fraud!  I did what I had to to provide for my family, and he made me and others believe I was lazy!  

He tried to say his unemployment paid him as much as what I was working to earn!  But I didn’t have access to our accounts so how would I know if that was true or not? He controlled everything! He took out credit cards in my name that I didn’t know about until after I told him I was filing for divorce. He drained our accounts, he took the car, and so many other things.  He took sentimental things like my grandmother’s ring, things that are precious to me.  He is entitled and arrogant and is still fighting to take more from me!  It’s wrong, it’s sickening and the law is protecting him!  

He has stolen from me more than money!  He stole my innocence, he stole my youth, he stole my health, he stole precious moments with my boys, he stole my trust, he stole my confidence and my fierceness.  I want it ALL back!  

There’s this saying, ‘You can’t change what happened, all you can do is decide what happens from here.’   But I can’t, not yet, not when he is attempting to control my future. He hasn’t let me go, he enjoys saying things to intentionally hurt me. He uses C to get at me, he is still stealing from me, he is still hurting our children!!!  How could a father dismiss his child?  How could a father pick one son over the other?  How could a father blame his son for the abuse he inflicted on him?  How could a father do that and claim to care about anyone?

I am angry!  Yet somehow I still have hope that once this is finally over, once I’m no longer legally bound to him as his wife, that God will step in and change his hardened heart. I don’t want him in my life, he has done too much intentional harm, but he is the father of our children and I want them to see the miraculous things that God can do! 

Him being saved (for real this time), his heart being changed, him choosing to repent, to work hard and become a good man, to say he is sorry and mean it, for him to truly love them and accept them for who they are, not who he expected them to be….that would be the most profound miracle of all!  I don’t know why, but I still believe it’s possible.  Maybe it’s because I know God can do anything so I believe in the impossible!