Updated: Feb 18
I have a friend from high school who I reconnected with about a year ago. Today he said something that stuck with me ….. That we (as humans) aren’t meant to be alone, that we are meant for social interaction. I’ve been trying so hard to fight that, to be independent and not dependent on anyone or anything.
I’ve been fighting loneliness for so long, trying so hard to ignore it because it (loneliness) has haunted me all my life. I have felt like I have to overcome being lonely before I can be someone anyone would want. I feel like the kind of man I hope for, who won’t be abusive, will want a strong Independent woman.
I look at myself, my life, my past, my problems that I still need to fix and I think to myself, ‘I wouldn't want to date me, so why would the kind of man I’ve prayed for want to date me?’ Then, I get angry with myself because I know my value.
I know what I have to offer in a healthy relationship if I was actually loved, respected, honored and cherished. I know who I am, I know there are many qualities within me that could shine if I was loved the right way
I do long to be loved and not used, lied to and manipulated, that’s all I wanted in my marriage. Yet, I didn't experienced it. Is it wrong that I want to? Maybe not, but it is a distraction from my children. And they need me more than I need to feel worthy of love.
Part of me thinks I have to give up on ever being with someone, on ever having a partner. If I have any kind of hope, it makes me sad. Somehow, waiting and hoping makes me feel the loneliness even deeper, to the core of my soul.
Maybe it’s best to give up for now.
It feels like it’s best for me to learn how to be independent and to have faith God is with me. I feel like I have to figure out how to be alone and not hope in ‘someday’. I lost my chance to be loved when I chose to be with a monster who would never love.
Figuring that out, it’s like another death. Another loss to add to the hundreds of things I have to grieve over. I’m so lonely I can hardly breathe. I’m lost and don‘t know if I will ever find my way home. I’m scared and have no idea how I’m going to make it unless God sends a miracle.
I know that He can, I do believe in miracles. What I don’t believe in, is whether I’m worthy or not.