Updated: Oct 16
I’m in such despair and darkness right now. I keep struggling with trying to figure myself out. I want to be healed. I want to be strong and self confident. Why can’t I get things done? Why don’t I have any motivation? Why are my emotions so up and down? Why do I long so painfully to feel wanted? Why do I keep longing for affection and affirmation? Why am I so much healthier in some areas and not in others? Why is it so hard to be patient?
Why do I keep revisiting old wounds? Why do I feel brave, strong, full of hope, full of inspiration, full of wisdom, and courage one moment and the next I find my thoughts turning to doubt, fear, rejection, emptiness, loneliness, lost hope for a happy future, lost energy, lost motivation, self doubt, and then sometimes filled with anger, shame, hate, blame .... why? Why do I keep bouncing around like a pinball in a machine?
Why do I know I’m worthy of love from a good kind man, but I’m terrified he won’t find me, or if he does I’ll mess it up and he won’t want me?
Why are my thoughts so all consuming? Why do I share more than I should? Is it because I had to keep his secrets for so long, because I had to pretend for so many years, and I’m finally done hiding? I will not lie for him, I will not pretend I’m ok when I am not!
I don’t want to be held back from Your purpose for my life. You made me with a spirit full of creativity, deep passion, a hunger for knowledge, a need to put others at ease, a need for truth but spoken with kindness.
You put music in my soul, deep feelings, and overwhelming empathy. You created me with joy in my heart, with friendliness, kindness, caring, and concern for others. You created me with an ability to sense spirits, to “feel” what other souls are feeling so I can know how to help them. You created me to be filled with inspiration and the ability to inspire others.
You created me to understand and translate my understanding to others in a way that they as individuals can comprehend fully. You created me with tenderness and fierceness in my spirit. You created me to be a leader, to stand up for what I know is right. You created me with a strong will, with a sense of self that most young children do not have.
You created me with specific qualities, talents and traits that combine together to make me uniquely me. And I need to remember You have a purpose and a plan for me. Once I am free of my husband’s oppression I will be able to use the gifts You have given me.
He has been knocking me down for so long I saw, but didn’t understand. I allowed myself to believe his lies. I allowed his mind games and his tricks to infect me and spread like a dark virus throughout my spirit and my life. Is that why I’m so exhausted? Am I currently in recovery?
Am I in recovery from being addicted to him? Am I in recovery from losing the man I believed he was? Am I in recovery from the years of lies .... the lies he told, and the lies I convinced myself of? There were so many lies I made myself believe, so many I wanted to believe.
The lies that he loved me, that he wasn’t selfish, that he was a good faithful husband, that he wasn’t abusing me or the boys with his words and rage, that he was self sacrificing, that he was trying to change, that he was thoughtful for the right reasons, that he was taking care of me, that he didn’t like or enjoy sex, that he didn’t like kissing, that he wasn’t an alcoholic, that he was a Christian with good morals, that he wouldn’t lie to me, that he wasn’t using me, that he cared about my feelings, that he wouldn’t cheat on me or betray me, that he wouldn’t put me down to others, that he wouldn’t lie about me to make himself look good, that he would go back to college, that he would stop cheating, that he would get better, that he would stop yelling, lying, and hurting me and the boys, that he would become the man I thought he was capable of becoming.
So many lies I allowed myself to believe. No wonder I don’t trust myself!!!!
I prayed so hard, I cried out to You on my hands and knees sobbing and begging You to save my husband, to save my family! I prayed for wisdom, grace, courage, strength, discernment, and peace. I prayed for You to reveal the truth, no matter what that truth might be, and to give me the strength to endure it with grace. I prayed for healing, for a teachable spirit so that I could recognize and change what I needed to change within myself.
I believed my husband would be changed if I just kept praying for him. Maybe someday he will change and become a better man .... an honest, loving and caring man.
I understand now though, those types of drastic changes will only happen if he acknowledges them. He will only change if he wants to change. He cannot change when he believes he has done nothing wrong, and when he blames everyone else for his behavior. He cannot change when he doesn’t believe there will be consequences for all the wrongs he has done and will do.
I recognize that I contributed by enabling him, by staying with him for so long. I took the blame on myself when I was not to blame. Only You know if he is ever going to be a good man. Only you know what is in his heart. You see what he is doing. You hear what he is saying. You know every lie, every deception, every hateful, cruel word spoken.
You have shown me what I did not want to accept. You saved me from a life that would have continued to hurt in every way possible. You have shown me what I refused to see, so that moving forward will be possible. You have given me the courage to see everything with clarity so that I can move on and someday become the woman YOU created me to be! Thank you Lord for, everything!
Love your daughter,