Begging for Help

10/19/2019

God please be my anchor in this storm. I’m drowning in darkness. It’s swallowing me and consuming me. I want to just let it take me but I will not give up. I know you are with me, holding my head just above water, providing me with gulps of much needed air. Because in this sticky, thick sorrow I can’t breathe.

I prayed so hard for my husband Lord, did I not pray the right words? Did I not plead for the right things? Did my anger and devastating grief cancel out what I asked for?

Please forgive me God. Please forgive me for not being wise enough to save my husband, my best friend, the love of my life. Please forgive me for my moments of rage, for allowing fear and jealousy and heartbreaking grief to control me. For saying things that hurt him. But I did not push him back into her arms, that was his choice, his weakness! He sought comfort in her rather than you. He dishonored me and said horrible things about me to HER, a seductress, just to make himself feel better....he sought her comfort while I was drowning in sorrow completely alone!

He sought comfort in another woman’s arms. That is not love. I’ve been foolishly hoping for his love, longing for his love.

Did I not try God? Was my faith not enough?

Did he look at my brokenness and shy away rather than comfort me because he doesn’t know how to love? Or does he just not love me?

He doesn’t seem to care, and acts like everything is fine. He doesn’t seem to be heartbroken. Is that HER influence, is that the enemy at work? I can’t fight it anymore God.

HE is breaking me down.

I don’t want to be tied up in the sticky web of his lies! I don’t want him to control me anymore. I don’t want to let him manipulate me and make me feel like EVERYTHING is my fault!

Everything is NOT my fault! I accept my faults. I do not make excuses for them. I’m so sorry, I just can’t do this anymore. It’s too painful, and it’s wrong the way he treated me, and after discovery of his affair he has continued to treat me like I don’t matter!!!

I truly believed you meant for he and I to grow in our faith together, to heal from our past emotional pain together, to heal from abuse and shame, self doubt, and anguish together.

I’m sorry if I’ve failed you God. I wanted so badly to be able to spend the rest of my life with my husband. But God, he has changed into a bitter angry man who blames me for his choices and actions.

I’m so disappointed in him, as my husband, as the father of our children, as a man.

He chose the wrong path. He has chosen to not be strong. He has not been brave, he has chosen to hide behind lies and self satisfaction, and lust, and indulgence.

He doesn’t seek forgiveness, because he acts like there is nothing to forgive. He has become a coward, refusing to openly live a life without lies, without blame.

It breaks my heart to look and see that he has changed into a cruel angry man. It devastates me to realize that rather than a humble loving man asking for forgiveness, he has chosen himself above everyone who loves him.

I’m so disappointed that he gave up. I thought he would be strong enough to look at himself and see what he needs to work on. I thought that he would see and feel the trauma he has inflicted on me and our family and that he would be brave enough to reach out for help, that he would be courageous enough to to risk EVERYTHING in order to rebuild what he has broken.

I’m sorry for my part in his choices for my influence that hurt him.

I’m sorry that I didn’t pray hard enough, often enough, that I wasn’t able to always choose love. My broken heart just didn’t allow me to. I lost my way, and I’ve lost my husband. I’ve lost the man I thought he was AND the man I thought he would someday become.

Please stay with me, this is going to get harder isn’t it?

My brokenness is not over is it?

No more Christmas with my husband and sweet excited boys, no more birthdays, no more dances in the kitchen in the middle of the night, no more laughter, no more comfort of being wrapped in each other’s arms while we sleep, no more teasing, no more walks in the moonlight, no more snuggles, no more sharing our day, our ups and our downs, no more confiding and trusting, no more vacations, no more holidays as family, no more days on the water enjoying the sun, no more love, no more tenderness, no more happiness, no more looking forward to spending time together, no more butterflies when he walks in the room, no more longing for him all day, no more daydreaming together, no more picturing us swinging on a front porch, while watching our grandchildren play in the yard as we hold hands and laugh together.

“Together” is over. “Together” will never be, he gave up on me, he pushed me away, he was too scared to face me, too scared to love me, too scared to be honest, too scared to heal.

It’s all just broken promises now. A life that I hoped for, prayed for, dreamed of with him by my side is gone. It’s all gone.

And the first one he will seek comfort in will probably be the one who helped destroy our future life. She will end up destroying him too, and that makes me so sad for him. He will end up alone, broken and ashamed.

If he had just had courage, he could have had a beautiful life full of love and total acceptance with me. Why doesn’t he see that?

What have I done to make him resent me this much? I never stopped loving him, longing for his touch, hoping for his love. I never stopped believing he was just around the corner of becoming someone amazing.

I never stopped hoping that someday he would want me, need me, feel passion and peace with me. Why didn’t he see that?

Even if He and I aren’t together, please place someone good and kind, filled with wisdom and faith in his life, put someone in his life to help him realize the magnitude of what he has done, so he can grow and learn and seek a life of truth and grace.

Lord, I’m begging you, if it is possible in anyway to rescue his spirit, his heart, his kindness, and love towards me, then I beg you Lord, please please please I beg you with everything that is in me, with all of my faith, all of my brokenness, all of my hope, and love, please save him God, please save my husband, please I’m begging you, please save the man I love!

Please reach out your righteousness right hand and pull him from the shadows and into the light of your grace and love. Hold him tightly, cradle him in your arms, comfort him, speak to him, lead him, save him please because I believe in my heart he is worth saving, even if he doesn’t believe that he is.

Otherwise, why would I still love him? Why would I still long for him? Why would I still look at him and see the broken little boy in his eyes? Why would we go through all this suffering if there is nothing good on the other side?

Please God, please with all my love I’m begging you please save my husband! Please, save him from a life of lies, sorrow, and loneliness. Please, I beg you, please save my husband!

If we aren’t supposed to be together anymore, then I will let him go. But, even if he is no longer my husband, please save him. Even if he doesn’t believe he needs saving, please save him from his sorrow, his shame, his rage, his guilt, his brokenness, his bitterness and grudges. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I cannot tell him what he needs to do to fix things, only you can.

Please, before it’s too late, save the man I love! It doesn’t matter how much I love him, if he doesn’t, and never will love me again, then show me, and help me to heal alone.

Only You can help him to look in the mirror, to see, acknowledge and accept what he has done and what he is still doing.

Only You can soften his calloused heart so that he will want to be better, so that he will want to save our marriage. Only You can teach him how to express remorse, feel empathy and make a real effort to ask for forgiveness.

Only You can open his heart so he will become the amazing man I’ve always believed was inside him!

He gave up God, he gave up on himself and he gave up on me. He gave up on our children, our family and our future.

God please, even though he will no longer be my husband, replace his heart of stone and bless him with a humble heart of flesh. Please heal his brokenness. Please draw him to you in whatever way you can.

If losing me is the way to help him become the amazing man you always meant for him to be, then I surrender, I give my marriage and my husband over to You.

I can not reach him, only You can. Forgive me for needing to move on with my life Lord. I’ll never stop loving the man I believed he would be. I will still pray for him. I will continue to believe that he can change. Please help him Lord, because I have not, I hoped I could, I wanted to, but I just wasn’t enough.

I’ve been too heartbroken to help him. So please, with my broken heart, that still loves him, that still has hope for him, please save him from his pain.

All of this I pray to You, Father, Son and Holy Spirit through the power of the name Jesus and by his blood. Amen.

10/30/19 7:30pm