After Shock

I hate grocery shopping. The mundaneness of it makes my mind wander and think about what He did. Then my stomach turns and I feel like people are looking at me and I’m uncomfortable and I hold back tears because I think somehow they know that my husband had an affair, betrayed my love, decided he didn’t want me so went to someone else to get pleasure.

Why did he do this? Why didn’t he talk to me? I’m trying to plan a “date night” and I don’t know if I can do this. Can I pretend we are strangers starting over? Can I be romantic when he hurt me beyond any pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life?

Please give me peace, give me grace, help me to forgive and understand rather than be filled with hate and anger. I want to make it work please help me, I cannot do this without you. I don’t want to be broken. I want to be strong. But after last night, how do I get past what he said, that he “doesn’t want to have sex with me because loves me, and he did want sex with her because he didn’t love her?” Because sex is dirty? We are married, I don’t understand?

It’s completely the opposite for me and it destroys me to the core of my soul.

I don’t know what he needs to be healed only you do. I cannot go through this again. If he has another affair because he needs sex, but doesn’t want it with me because of what happened to him I don’t think I could survive it.

I do love him, but how could he not see that his past demons have been ruining our marriage for years? Does he not love me enough to get help? I know he is scared and ashamed, but it wasn't his fault. He is thinking of it as an adult, not the kid in him. He knows as an adult that it was unwanted, he was manipulated and taken advantage of.

I don’t know what to do, please help him. Lay your hands upon him, heal him, blanket him in your love and understanding. Deliver him from the evil that has been oppressing him. Show me how to love him the way he needs to be loved so that we can have a healthy, loving, understanding and passionate marriage. Please fill me with your Holy Spirit and tell me what to do for him.

Please remove my spirit of bitterness and anger and pain. Please help me to understand what he is needing to help him be the man you know he is meant to be.

Thank you for always being there. Thank you for loving us enough to sacrifice your life so that we can talk to God through you. I pray in your name Jesus Christ that tonight my husband will know I am trying, that I do love him, and that he needs to be open and honest with me.

I pray in your name that we will be stronger for all this suffering. That we will be more in love and able to show and give our love to each other the way you always intended us to. Please Jesus Christ I pray in your name that our sex life will grow and become amazing, fulfilling, loving, and beautiful, so that we can honor each other and express how much we truly care about each other.

Please heal my broken spirit. Keep the darkness, and the enemy out of our lives, our home, our family, bind any evil with your Holy Blood that was spilled to save us. In your name I pray Christ Jesus and by your blood with all my heart. Amen.

Your daughter,

Poiema

Friday 6/21/19 in the parking lot of Meijer after shopping 6:00pm