Why

05/09/2023

My deepest seeded pain, my biggest fear is that he was right. That I'll never be good enough and I'll end up alone, never able to share the love that is inside of me. But, God told me things that I don't want to give up on.

I want a husband, a partner, a balance, healthy love and passion. I want someone who can’t keep their hands off me because they love all of me, even though I'm not perfect. I want to laugh at the stupid stuff that happens. I want to be confident that the man I’m with isn’t going to leave for a younger, prettier, sexier, thinner version of me. I want someone who tells me I’m beautiful just because he wants to, and to be able to see he really believes it when he looks at me.

I want to know how it feels to be loved with desire and respect. For someone to want to hold me and let me hold him.

But, maybe that’s not possible for someone my age, with a messed up past, and parts of me that will only heal once I’m loved with purity. If the healing only comes from love and the unhealed things keep love away, then there’s no hope for me. He broke me and I have to accept that.

That's what sucks. It's not fair. The things he planted in me, they still sprout sometimes. Dating brings all these doubts and fears. The only way I'm going to learn is to date. But, it's really difficult for me because I don't understand how healthy, good men act.

I lived in a world were every word, every look, and the tone of his voice had to be interpreted. If I was wrong (even when I wasn't), there were negative consequences.

But good men, they mean what they say. There is no need to read into their meaning. I didn't know that.

I don't know what men find attractive? It scares me to know I'm getting older and maybe men really do desire a young, thin, super sexy 20 something girl. That's what he told me, that's what he cheated with that's what he compared me to and that's what he's with.

He never had passion for me, not once. I just accepted it as something I had to give up wanting if I wanted to spend my life with him. I didn't know he was giving it to other women. He caused me to feel ugly, defective, not desirable, not sexy, never beautiful or even pretty.

The truth is, I was stunning when I met him. I was beautiful and sexy, but also kind and sweet. I looked like the classic girl next door until he started shaming me for every little thing he didn't like about me.

In the end, I gave up trying to better myself. I figured it was easier to blame him not wanting me on being overweight, than it was to acccept I wasn't good enough no matter what I did.

But once in a while the fire in me would spark and I'd start taking care of myself again. When I'd start to make progress he'd sabotage me and I'd give up again.

He made me believe that self care was selfish. He made me believe getting my hair done, spending money on makeup, wanting to get my nails done was what high maintenance women did and he didn't like high maintenance women. I couldn't buy nice clothes. And if I bought myself anything he'd throw a fit because I didn't ask him if I could.

Once I discovered his affair I started working out because it felt like I was saying "screw you" to him! I was going to be selfish for once, since he was selfish all the time.

I felt good. I had confidence. I liked how I looked. And then, the C-PTSD kicked in.

He kept harassing me, following me, delaying the divorce, and financially ruining me. So, I started to give up again because I figured no man, let alone a good man will ever want me anyways, not with the mess I was fighting to escape from, and definitely not with the trauma from what he did to me. How could anyone love someone so broken down by cruelty and rejection? How could anyone ever see beyond the wounds and scars to even want to love who I know is inside of me?

I have only felt good about myself for one season in my life, but it was only physical. I want to feel good physically and mentally. I want the joy that I know is possible. I want to be ok with understanding I might not ever feel what I've always longed for. I want to stop hoping I'm going to be blissfully, mutuality in love with a wonderful, kind, handsome, understanding and passionate man who will protect my heart.

How can that happen when I'm not young and sexy enough for a man to want me?